Difference between revisions of "Giles Coren"

Profile:

Full name: Giles Coren

Area of interest: Current affairs; Culture; Food criticism and restaurant reviews

Journals/Organisation: The Times

Email: giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk

Personal website:

Website: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/gilescoren | Restaurant reviews

Blog:

Representation:

Networks: http://twitter.com/#!/gilescoren

Biography:

About:

Education: Westminster School; Keble College, Oxford: English (1st)

Career: Scriptwriter for Punt and Dennis; columns for the Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday, Tatler, Match of the Day Magazine; wrote the satirical Intellectual's Guide to Fashion in The Sunday Times using the pseudonym Professor Gideon Garter; currently, restaurant critic for The Times

Current position/role: Restaurant critic and columnist

Other roles/Main role:

Other interests:

Disclosures:

Viewpoints/Insight:

Controversy/Criticism: Ian Burrell: Giles Coren: The critic who turned salesman The Independent on Sunday, 19th February 2007

Broadcast media: Hosted Movie Lounge on Channel 5; co-presenter of Channel 4 series Animal Farm, 2007

Video:

Awards/Honours: British Press Awards: Food And Drink Writer of the Year, 2005

Scoops:

Other: Son of Alan Coren, brother of Victoria Coren

Books & Debate:

• Winkler, 2005 ISBN 0224074997
• Ghost-wrote Against the Odds, autobiography of James Dyson

Latest work: Chocolate and cuckoo clocks: the essential Alan Coren OCLC233788807 October 2008

Speaking/Appearances:

Debate:

The Times:

Column name:

Remit/Info: Current affairs; Culture; Food criticism and restaurant reviews

Section: Life and style / food and drink

Role: Columnist; Food critic / restaurant reviewer

Pen-name:

Email: giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk

Website: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/gilescoren | Restaurant reviews

Commissioning editor:

Day published: Saturday

Regularity: Weekly

Column format:

Average length:

Articles: 2017

• Even darkest Peru doesn’t look this gloomy - Mr and Mrs Brown first met Paddington on a railway platform. In fact, that was how he came to have such an unusual name for a bear, for Paddington was the name of the station. - 1st July
• My dirty dozen diabolically bad inventions - Why hold a vote for the best British brainwave when we could have been laughing at the leaf blower and the hovercraft? - 17th June
• My new party will be honest about its dishonesty - The young believe my uncosted promises of free safe spaces because I’m so old they mistake me for Father Christmas - 10th June
• Ladies, I can teach you to boss it like a bloke - Lesson one: slouch with your legs apart, feign expertise, never cry and claim all the credit for other people’s good ideas - 20th May
• Dorky-husband bragging, the new celebrity trend - The PM’s dreary partner and Philip Green’s bald-with-straggly-hair look can both be as much of a craze as ribcage bragging - 13th May
• Let’s not forget East Germany’s sexy man-girls - Erasing doped-up athletes from history is as stupid as trying to turn back politics, art or architecture to Year Zero - 6th May
• Has everyone out there gone completely gaga? - We’re at ‘peak bonkers’, with nearly every famous person from princes to pop stars flaunting their mental health issues - 22nd April
• It’s World War Three and I’m joining Dad’s Army - We’re on the verge of Armageddon but look on the bright side: sexual mores will loosen and it’ll be over by Christmas - 15th April
• The rich should never have their bins emptied - Instead of bleating about fortnightly collections, well-off residents need to get their fingers out and start recycling - 8th April
• My ten tips for overcoming the cauli wobbles - With prices plunging after food-fashionistas deserted the cauliflower, we need innovative ways to attack the stockpile - 25th March
• Ukip 2.0 are big girls’ blouses – bring on Ukip 34.0 - Arron Banks’s new party won’t win unless it has more splits, even stupider clothes and faces as purple as the rosettes - 18th March
• Be good, or feel the wrath of Nectar card gods - We’re moving towards a world where we’ll be rewarded or punished for what our shopping habits say about us as people - 11th March
• Phone-obsessed idiots, we’ve got your number - Let’s widen the crackdown on motorists using mobiles to nannies, cyclists, frequent fliers, Philip Green . . . and my wife - 4th March
• Don’t put your daughter on the catwalk - Every parent fears their child getting into drugs or crime but it could be worse: they could become a fashion model - 25th February
• Why should we give a f*** about swearing? - If I want to let off steam, no words in my extensive vocabulary can hit the spot like a few well-targeted expletives - 4th February
• Forget work-life balance, I’ve got crayoning to do - As a survey reveals our kids slave for longer than adults, I’m off down the pub while a four-year-old writes my column - 14th January
• Only a luvvie moron would say dads don’t matter - Any man who came out with the sexist drivel uttered by January Jones would be torn limb from limb by feminists - 7th January

Articles: 2016

• I’m not exactly dying to see Heaven’s super-band - The weeping and wailing over a bunch of celebrities who lived fast and died fairly young was sickening codswallop - 31st December
• And lo, there came stupid men from the East - The angel of the Lord said, Unto you is born this day in the city of Donald, a Saviour, which is Trump the President - 24th December
• Essential pub rules for the puzzled Chinese - David Cameron will be memorialised in a string of boozers across China where no one will know how to order a drink - 16th December
• Terrible teaching is what makes Oxford special - Missing out on a first is hardly worth suing about — your problems start when you get one by reading Coles Notes - 10th December
• Heil 4x4. Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Range Rover! - We shouldn’t be increasing the size of parking spaces for the benefit of selfish morons driving nasty urban tanks - 26th November
• Monstrous machines are munching our words - As my iPhone now insists on changing language into emojis we’ll soon be regressing to grunts and travelling on all fours - 19th November
• Up all night crying and eating lots of hunny - If you thought the weeping and wailing of celebs over Trump’s victory was terrible, listen to what the animals had to say - 12th November
• Cod help us, we’re even dumber than the fish - On my travels I’ve met very shallow trawlermen and African tribesmen who share something with me and Prince Charles - 5th November
• Welcome to the wasteland of wealth, Mr Bieber - The singer’s new neighbours in Billionaires’ Row won’t be overpaid superstars but cranes and east European builders - 29th October
• A few deaths from terrorism are no big deal - In previous centuries millions were killed by now-eradicated diseases, so we shouldn’t worry about the threats we face - 14th October
• Dim celebrities deserve to lose their gems - Unlike Cowell and Kardashian, I own nothing more than an old banger and a Kindle. If you don’t believe it, try robbing me - 8th October
• Hissy fits and hypocrisy are always in Vogue - The grizzled gatekeepers of fashion should lay off style-bloggers whose crime is being younger and more popular than them - 1st October
• May is a big pointless pot of low-fat yoghurt - Our twitchy, humourless PM has made politics so joyless that it is hard to imagine (or care) who might succeed her - 24th September
• Imagine Boris naked. Now you see the problem - Feminists complaining about the foreign secretary’s habit of ‘manspreading’ show they have no idea about biology - 17th September
• Home sweet home sure beats work for a living - Once I’ve had a bath, sorted my sock drawer and had another cup of coffee, I promise I’ll get down to some writing - 10th September
• I’m far too young to read Winceyette Weekly - The Zimmer-frames-at-dawn spat between Paxo and the Mature Times made me yearn for a perfect newspaper called ‘47’ - 3rd September
• '‘Annual leave’ is for muppets. You’re on holiday - If you’re off to Kos rather than behind your desk, at least don’t try to dignify your time off with quasi-military flimflam - 26th August
• Summer is dead, so let’s dance on its grave - The weather’s dull but look on the bright side: no more salads, bunioned feet in flip-flops, or bare bodies with skanky tattoos - 9th July
• Wrinklies have well and truly stitched us up - The referendum shows that old folk can’t be trusted with big decisions. They’re always wrong. About everything - 25th June
• Mayor’s ban on buff bodies is a big, fat mistake - Let’s not spare the blushes of pie-guzzling flesh mountains. Thin is still the norm and it does them good to be reminded - 18th June
• Not punishing my kids makes me a happier dad - Call me a dopey north London liberal, but I’ve never even shouted at my children, let alone raised a hand to them - 11th June
• Quiz time: Is it ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to Johnny Foreigner? - When you’re being bombarded with absurd predictions from Leave and Remain, it all comes down to personal prejudice - 28th May
• The movie is dead (unless it’s got a superhero) - There’s no point in watching someone pretend to eat his dinner if you can see him pretend to be the Incredible Hulk - 21st May
• Cor blimey, it’s cockney Zac’s lost victory speech - Revealing his love of jellied whelks and West Ham Rangers, Tory mayoral candidate dispels the myth that he’s a toff - 7th May
• No one likes me, so I’ve decided to be Uber nice - My taxi ranking is so low I’ve had to change my ways. With a bit of luck, I’ll be a perfect citizen by Christmas - 30th April
• Your Majesty, it’s time we celebrated in rhyme - If the poet laureate prefers to versify electricity meters instead of the Queen’s 90th birthday, she should let me do the job - 23rd April
• Run for it! The Lycra-clad hippos are coming - Once spring is here, you can’t go for a solitary jog without having it ruined by herds of flabby fair-weather fun runners - 16th April
• Sadbook and Miserygram would really cheer me up - I’m so fed-up with photos of friends having fun that I’ve closed my social media accounts. I’m sure they’re crying inside - 8th April
• The Bard, fact or fiction: that is the question - When so many Shakespeare celebrations are verging on the ridiculous, can you tell which ones I’ve just made up? - 26th March
• Never mind the sugar tax, we need a latte levy - Don’t be surprised that cups aren’t being recycled. StarCosNero only care about peddling their fatty, revolting products - 19th March
• Once Rhodes has fallen, your kitchen is next - You complacent bourgeois fool! Didn’t you realise how that room glorifies Kitchener, the poster boy for militarism? - 12th March
• Lefty do-gooders threaten my rugby revenge - I didn’t spend years freezing on the sports field and being tackled by the big boys to let my son miss out on the fun - 5th March
• Labour is the new hobby for the idle rich - Corbyn’s revolution is a Woosterish indulgence for Islington millionaires. They’ll join any protest, if they’re not in the Dordogne - 23rd January
• Bowie grief-fest was totally Aladdin Sane - Celebrities wallowing in hyperbole should get real. The songs were great but he didn’t liberate gay people or change the world - 16th January
• Enjoy it, George, life’s all downhill from here - Happy new year? You must be joking. It’s just tax bills, school fees and fading looks. And I can’t even drown my sorrows - 9th January
• Rude parsnips will be all the rage this year - Flawless fruit and veg? Craft beers? Mismatched crockery? That’s sooo last year. Here are my foodie trends for 2016 - 2nd January

Articles: 2015

• What am I bid for Diane Abbott’s laddered tights? - After Thatcher’s belongings sell for £4.5m, it won’t be long before Corbyn’s shell suit or Major’s pants are also up for grabs - 19th December
• In 5,000BC, the property market was the pits - Here’s what happened when Mr and Mrs Hunter-Gatherer were shown around a primeval location near Stonehenge . . . - 31st October
• Shadow chancellor in pizza U-turn shock - Now our spies have the right to eavesdrop on MPs, who knows what fascinating phone calls might be overheard . . - 17th October
• Baaaa! It’s the snap-crackle-pop class warriors - Idiotic protests bring Man down to the level of beasts. And while the left are on the streets, the Tories are laughing - 3rd October
• Death’s too good for the selfie narcissists - People around the world waste millions of hours every day trying to conjure a public moment from their dreary lives - 26th September

Articles: 2014

• If you think this is a feminist, think again - OK, I’m getting my daughter a train set, but I’ve no time for the slack-moobed sycophants jumping on this bandwagon - 20th December
• Twenty years on, I weep at my failed ambition - From scorned rookie reporter to restaurant critic: how Tony Blair’s elevation to Labour leader gave me my big break - 26th July
• Let’s go the whole hog and #reshuffle Britain - Brucie’s gone, the Prince of Wales will surely follow. Let’s hear it for Claudia Winkleman, Koo Stark and good old Fergie - 19th July
• If Google says I’m a jerk, then it must be true - You shouldn’t rewrite ehistory. And anyway there’s so much bad stuff about me out there, I don’t know where to start - 5th July
• Hell is other people, friends are just a fantasy - Who needs to catch up, bond, hang out or hear about each other’s problems? I’m proud to be in a nation of loners - 21st June
• Bring on the Googlebots to run everything - Why stop at driverless cars? Robots wouldn’t stone people. Or vote racists in. Or get involved in child abuse . . . - 31st May
• Very, very contrary, that’s how my garden grows - Forget the trendy Chelsea Flower Show. Real horticulture is just the management of mass death and destruction - 24th May
• They’re all vain, greedy show-offs and cheats - . . . and I doubt any of them pay their taxes. Pop stars may be parasites, but we don’t need the PM to get involved - 17th May
• Close Everest. Close all the damn mountains - On one hand, you have 16 Sherpas killed; on the other, a bunch of macho idiots whose holidays have been ruined - 26th April
• Googled by the Mob. Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now - On a filming trip to North America, I am branded a ‘bad journalist’ by the media – and rudely rebuffed by the mafia - 19th April
• You don’t read – so you can’t write, right? - Why journalists skim the surface; a stylistic farewell to the Taleban and an Offa that builders couldn’t refuse - 12th April
• Do what? One’s simply never, ever had to - So the Queen didn’t have to clear out her toy cupboard. And that’s not the only formative experience she missed out on - 5th April
• Eng Lit for those who don’t have time to read it - A new app cuts out all that tiresome eye movement which slowed your reading. So now you can have instant classics - 15th March
• All together now... Three Lions on the couch - England have roped in a top psychiatrist to help them win the World Cup. But will talking cure their penalty-taking? - 8th March
• Exclusive! The real scandal of Harman’s past - In this special report, we reveal that Team Harriet was close to a much more dangerous group of old men in raincoats . . . - 3rd March
• The economic outlook is decidedly Grimm - After the Goldilocks recovery, here are some more fairytales to consider (and I don’t mean investment advice) - 22nd February
• One day she’s a genius, the next a lamebrain - Three-year-old Kitty’s life might be measured out not in coffee spoons, but in emails from a parental support group - 15th February
• My new team really will be game-changers - Beckham doesn’t understand how to love football properly - and a brilliant plan to get girls interested in science - 8th February
• Only Neanderthals smoke with kids in the car - It seems that cigarette addiction is down to our caveman DNA, so imagine a Stone Age run-in with the law . . . - 31st January
• Perfect, it’s the M40. I could murder a pint - I set off determined to dislike Britain’s first motorway pub (as the RAC and health campaigners have). But no . . . - 25th January
• Why we shouldn’t big up fat fashion - It’s a huge mistake to celebrate a range of plus-sized clothes. We might as well surrender to the fattiest - 18th January
• No, it’s too late now to see 12 Years a Slave - At last, after all that nice, cuddly slavery, someone’s revealed the harsh truth. But we won’t be watching - 11th January

Articles: 2013

• Follow my fashion guide or look like a dork - Everyone with a leading sense of the 2014 zeitgeist will embrace oblong shapes and frown a lot - 28th December 2013
• That’s it. Enough tedious Christmas smalltalk - Oh, it’s so commercial. Oh, sprouts are revolting. Oh, those terrible e-cards. Oh, be quiet, all of you . . . - 21st December 2013
• My 3+ exam will put our kids on top of the league - Ofsted wants to bring back testing for seven-year-olds. That’s far too late if we want to beat the Koreans - 14th December 2013
• 30 things to do with a dead diplodocus . . . - If you’re going to pay a fortune, a dinosaur might as well be useful. Think of the lasagnes, for a start - 30th November 2013
• New or old, money still can’t buy happiness - Whether you’re a lottery winner or miserable night-shift worker, riches don’t mend unhappy marriages - 23rd November 2013
• How to get ahead in Christmas advertising - If you thought the John Lewis and Sainsbury promos were overblown, here are some you’ve been spared - 16th November 2013
• Go to your Geekdom – and never come back - If Silicon Valley did become an independent state, it would be full of asocial nerds texting themselves - 9th November 2013
• I’m sorry. I admit it. I’m just a downright Coe - . . . but I secretly wish I was an Ovett - 2nd November 2013
• Asterix and the Dream of Lost Childhood - A new team has taken over my favourite boyhood books. Can the Gaul recapture his former glory? - 26th October 2013
• A century on, the lamps are going out again - Young people are wasting their lives — lions led by high-tech donkeys. Or so my Kindle tells me - 19th October
• My Royal Mail fortune gets lost in the post - These shares are free money, I thought. I’ll fill my boots. Yet somehow it didn’t quite work out like that - 12th October 2013
• Farewell, boring days out. I shall miss you - Stonehenge, with its new visitor centre, is just one great British attraction that has become excellent - 5th October 2013
• My daughter has more choices than my son - Men are judged by their career choices and wealth. Women are free to define themselves in other ways - 28th September 2013
• What a week of rotten, simpering awfulness - Our catwalk catastrophe has exposed the world of fashion. Behind the emaciated face is a sick heart - 21st September 2013
• Revealed: what women do and why they do it - All those mysterious actions have hidden meanings. Finally, we have the key: all it’s all about handbags - 14th September 2013
• School ruined me and it will ruin my daughter - In the internet age there’s no point in knowing stuff any more. Education just stifles your creative spark - 7th September 2013
• Ban all pubs, now. This is 2013, not 1320 - There’s only one reaction to 4,000 pubs under threat of closure: what about the rest of the ghastly places? - 31st August 2013
• It’ll be driving, Jim. But not as we know it - If we can’t drive with Google glasses on, we must ban other technology that might find its way into our cars - 17th August 2013
• Conversation dies. Smartphone to the rescue - It’s not necessarily rude to play with your phone instead of talking. It’s just a way of relieving the pressure - 17th August 2013
• Ban all dogs now. Whether or not they bite - I want to walk the streets without stepping in muck - 10th August 2013
• Logically speaking, we need more grey areas - In all arguments, from faith to politics, sexuality to morality, a little messed-up thinking takes us a long way - 3rd August 2013
• Revealed: those Coren royal connections in full - The dress rehearsal for George’s delivery, the secret visit to the Harrods grotto and other interesting snippets - 27th July 2013
• Don’t listen to the curmudgeons in cardigans - It’s not just mumbling actors they don’t like – but if you give in to them you’ll never hear the end of it - 20th July 2013
• Faster, fatty Phoebe! And you, flabby Freddy - Exclusion zones around schools where parents can’t drop kids off so they have to walk (or run) ... sheer genius - 6th July 2013
• Why not waste your money on Wimbledon? - Thirteen grand is steep for two tickets when Murray won’t be in the final. But there’s nothing else to spend it on - 22nd June 2013
• Pick the oldies and make a game of the Ashes - If the Aussies can’t send over a decent team then what’s the point of them? Give me a mechanical waiter any day - 15th June 2013
• Get out of the car, grandma. You’re nicked - Pay attention, you doddering old lane hoggers. Abide by my rules or I’ll dent your car — or even call the cops - 8th June 2013
• Nobody would watch this Fifties rubbish now - The Coronation, 60 years ago, was when telly first caught on. But did the programmes look a bit familiar? - 1st June 2013
• The parable of the Archdeacon and his nifties - A priest is handing out free £50 notes, if you can make them grow. Here are some wheezes to get you started - 25th May 2013
• Nothing’s worse than the world’s best restaurant - Eat 50 rounds of hare kidneys in pig-cheese, surrounded by food bloggers and Japanese tourists? No thanks - 4th May 2013
• Loadsa dosh – that’s why we love our tennis - By ramping up its prize money the All England Club can now attract assorted bankers, burglars and tax dodgers - 27th April 2013
• We’ll fight in the streets. And in the car parks - Foreign drivers owe us half a million quid in unpaid fines. Frankly, it’s unpatriotic not to chase every penny - 20th April 2013
• Sunny! Sunny! Sunny! Out! Out! Out! - Warm weather divided Britain. Southerners and Falklands islanders may miss it, but what about miners? - 13th April 2013
• Being a father means nothing else matters - It has been a terrible week for fathering. But some of us wouldn’t dream of missing a single bathtime - 6th April 2013
• This cyber-slowdown will win us a World Cup - If life returns to dial-up speed children will play in the street! Bookshops will reopen! Columnists will have job security! - 30th March 2013
• Britain needs a nose for business: Kate’s nose - Americans love her schnozzle. We can fix the economy by selling the rights to it – and a few other royal body parts - 23rd March 2013
• Everyone knows Marilyn Monroe shot JFK - The ‘Jewish conspiracy’ isn’t the only one Lord Ahmed’s worried about. What about those lizards on the Moon? - 16th March 2013
• If you’re tweeting, ask Her Majesty to hold on - Now that takeaway food may be served at dinner parties, new rules for other occasions have just been agreed . . - 9th March 2013
• Pippa does a great butternut squash lasagne - Try her recipes before you slag off her food column. She can boil an egg she’s hot and that’s all that matters - 2nd March 2013
• We must face the ugly truth about our looks - The British are not an attractive race. But that’s an opportunity we must exploit More questions to judge us by - 23rd February 2013
• Middle-class = bad and fat. Cue new insults - Now we’ve discovered that the bloaters aren’t poor after all, we can give full vent to our mutual self-loathing - 16th February 2013
• French hold aces in nuclear stand-off - If you are wondering why Britain’s energy strategy is teetering on the brink, take a look at the financial figures from EDF on Thursday - 9th February 2013
• Today I am make first column in Polski - Thanks fishing skiff of 1903, my family live in UK many years. But I am still speak your new second language - 2nd February 2013
• Nappies, eating, ironing, writing. No probl . . . - People who think they’re great multi-taskers are deluded. Not this dad, critic, investor – whoops, what was that? - 26th January 2013
• Thenk you so much for the framed faytograph - They say the Queen didn’t write her own thank-you letters for her Jubilee presents. But what do they know . . . - 19th January 2013
• A 30ft dog toilet with a light on it? Genius - Where would we be without the football, the goldfish disposal or the prozzy booth? Great British inventions all - 12th january 2013
• Zzzzzzz. Is that interminable film over yet? - I’ve done the research for you. Don’t bother with the latest crop of movies, which are useless and far too long - 5th January 2013

Articles: 2012

• Peace on Earth, so long as you kept the receipt - Why is the Bible silent about Boxing Day? Did Mary go to the sales or was she mourning Matthew Crawley? - 29th December 2012
• Bill? No. Julian? No. Zadok? Maybe. Wait . . . - Boys are so difficult. First, there’s the obvious, well, surgical dilemma. Second, all the names sound daft - 22nd December 2012
• No room at the Dickens museum? Try this . . . - Of course you want to visit a great writer’s home on Christmas Day. Happily, more than one will open this year - 15th December 2012
• My wife boomed. We’re bust. I blame Greece - Shall I borrow to buy a nursery or lay off the nanny to pay off the deficit? I don’t know, Mr Speaker, and nor do you - 8th December 2012
• Want a good read? Let my celebs guide you - It’s time for the Books of the Year round-up. But can you guess who’s who from their Christmas reading? - 1st December 2012
• At last, the monstrous regiment is halted - Women bishops? They can’t even flick their pants in the air. No, what the Church really needs is Abramovich - 23rd November 2012
• Signs are that modern life is losing the plot - I mean, just look: roads aren’t for driving on, tragedy is selling Christmas and top spooks think they’re babe magnets - 17th November 2012
• The three little words I never wanted to hear - To me ‘It’s a boy!’ augurs only a new kind of nappy changing, the circumcision dilemma and tedious chat about lager - 10th November 2012
• Life would be safer if we were kept in the dark - Ban streetlights, send some kids to school from Sundays to Thursdays — that’s how to make Britain Great again - 3rd November 2012
• Weddings: a device to measure our vulgarity - The hotel that turned away a couple for being the wrong type of person made a mistake – we’re all that type - 27th October 2012
• The iPod family is unhappy in its own way . . . - ... as Tolstoy almost said. Apple pretends it’s selling ‘happy ever after’ when it’s really flogging stupid gadgets - 20th October 2012
• Dave, Nick and Ed would rather be in bed - I’m just like the three main party leaders, and take it from me: they’re all as bored by their conferences as I am - 13th October 2012
• Flashdance 2. Or is it One Million Years BC? - The body of a Bronze Age woman metalworker has been found. I bet she went down well with the lads at work - 6th October 2012
• The Council House at Pooh Corner . . - . . . and Other Children’s Classics reimagined in the lefty style of J. K. Rowling now she’s gone all grown-up - 29th September 2012
• Old age starts at 55? I wanted to be old at 17 - Being young is rubbish. Now I’m 43 I can at last go on cruises, grow roses and fall asleep with a blanket over my knees - 22nd September 2012
• Sleazy, hairy and scary: the new world beaters - Everest is the still the highest mountain, but here are some new records for the people at Guinness to consider - 15th September
• Dear Henry I, how dare you diss our lampreys? - Following the Mars Bars boys, other makers of so-called unhealthy food should stand up for what is right - 8th September 2012
• Soak the rich. Start with the mustard cords - Nick Clegg’s useless tax wheeze will never work. You have to use stealth – and that means using your imagination - 1st September 2012
• The London Olympics: ‘All the rules of life were suspended, and magic ruled the Earth’ - A modern Shakespearean drama. Set in Stratford East - 25th August 2012
• A drunk and a roisterer, fine. But a diarist? - The worst thing about Richard Burton’s journals is not the lachrymose gush. It’s that he wrote them at all - 18th August 2012
• Classics are dull. Please sir, I want more sex - Bondage in Brontë isn’t enough. I’ve spiced up ten other works in a literary quiz – punish yourself if you get them right - 21st July 2012
• Why the sunshine would rain on my parade - I’m holidaying in England and, no, I don’t hope it will clear up. Why do I love wet weather? Let me count the ways - 7th July 2012
• Music isn’t the food of life, so don’t play on - We don’t need 2,012 songs to rock the Olympics or an endless soundtrack to our lives. Let’s just turn it off - 30th June 2012
• This year e-books are really making a splash - You’ll love all that extra space in your luggage – and only a complete twerp’s Kindle gets thrown in the pool - 23rd June 2012
• God save the Eurolympics (come on, Tim) - Buy a flag from the approved supplier and leave your brain at home this summer / E-mail will never catch on - 9th June 2012
• I’d never be rude to a fatty. Honest, not rude - Comments about ‘body image’ may soon be on par with racism. But it looks like we’re run by a lardocracy anyway - 2nd June 2012

Articles: 2011

• Let them watch TV. Keeps ’em off the street - Stop your baby turning into Charlie Gilmour - 8th October 2011
• TV sensation: Asterix to go on Frater Magnus - Fans are desperately hoping there’ll be an inspired revival of the cartoon hero. And if they need some plotlines . . . - 1st October 2011
• The joke is dead. Good – I hate funny people - Farewell Frankie Boyle, we won’t miss you - 24th September 2011
• Making stuff up is too much like hard work - A journalist invented his interviews? Why bother? - 17th September 2011
• Clichés are melting faster than snowballs in hell - Why the language will soon be poorer than a church mouse - 10th September 2011
• I’ve forgiven Julian Barnes. Give him a Booker - A watered-down dedication put me off him, but with the ultimate prize long overdue, I get the sense of an ending - 3rd September 2011
• Words to throw in the dictionary’s dustbin (n) - If the dictionary-makers have written off charabanc and aerodrome, why do we need fish or shopping*? - 27th August 2011
• My good parent plan – be more middle-class - The only people who must be told how to raise their children are those who ignore official advice anyway - 6th August 2011
• It’s just a running race. Watch it on the telly - Seb’s real mistake was depriving us of a chance to queue for Olympic tickets For cricket you have to be there - 30th July 2011
• It’s not the seats that hurt: the play’s the thing - Ever wondered why you fidget more in the theatre than the cinema? And does Delia really miss the crispy pancake? - 16th July 2011
• Crack open the Tizer. We’re all spectators now - The paedo-neurosis has moved beyond overprotective schools to threaten one of our island’s oldest traditions - 9th July 2011
• I was George Smiley. It was flipping amazing - It’s Dutch. It’s cool. Could my new sideways flipback book threaten the old-tech world of iPads and Kindles? - 2nd July 2011
• Killer fungi? No good hiding under the pillow - Magnify anything a thousand times and it will look terrifying. Imagine me — I’d look like Eamonn Holmes - 25th June 2011
• On yer bikes, you whining first-time buyers - Find a £1,500 down-payment and an interest-only mortgage, and (London apart) the country’s your oyster - 11th June 2011
• Adults don’t care if Sepp takes his ball home - Football is a game for children. There are more important things for grown-up Brits to care about – like cricket - 4th June 2011
• Free the Camden One! (But don’t say I asked) - A megacelebrity TV star is threatened with prison for loose talk on Twitter. Who on earth could that be? - 28th May 2011
• Holy feline menace, robin! I’ll rescue you - The threat didn’t come from giant man-eating slugs after all, but from a more familiar garden enemy - 21st May 2011
• It’s a pig of a job to find out what’s in my ham - Are ‘Wiltshire cured’ and ‘freedom food’ just weasel words? Plus, my cred is blown, I’m on the GCSE syllabus - 14th May 2011
• The weekend starts here? What’s gone wrong? - A five-day working week is so confusing ... Why the honeymoon was really delayed ... How bin Laden made my career - 7th May 2011
• Gym bunnies splashing around: that’s not sport - We invented cricket and football, so why the sudden enthusiasm for glorified commuting and all the other Olympic tosh? - 30th April 2011
• What Da Nazraff Boyz did on that Saturday - We know what Good Friday and Easter Sunday are about. But what are we supposed to be doing today? - 23rd April 2011
• Lost Labours, or Where Would You Like It, Guv - They’re going to dig up Shakespeare’s house. Do they really think that will shed any light on his plays? - 16th April 2011
• For budding models, flat is a feminist issue - After 500 years of progress, women’s heads are finally as big as men’s. Now we’re asking them to shrink their breasts - 9th April 2011
• Chinese spies? Make them do history of art - If universities are crawling with students stealing secrets, put them on a course where they’ll learn nothing useful - 2nd April 2011
• Tune out, turn off and read a proper book - Let the BBC close down late-night telly. It was only ever for drunken students, and they’re all in the pub now - 26th March 2011
• To the royals we’re a crowd of nincompoops - I’ve driven through London for my Wills’n’Kate wedding and seen first-hand how the British public react - 12th March 2011
• Apple must have made this i-shaver. It’s i-deal - Putting an “i” before everything is supposed to make it sound sophisticated. That’s mostly nonsense, except . . - 5th March 2011
• I’m made of the same stuff that makes Ed run - That ‘triumph of posh’ stuff was all wishful thinking. It’s time for me to embrace my inner Labour wonk - 26th February 2011
• For sale: one dead Nazi. £2,000. Still warm - It’s not as good as the early Hitler I was after, but next to the framed comic and the QPR strip it’ll look lovely - 19th February 2011
• My 40-a-day father could have written here - Why should we care about the health of tobacco companies when we know what destruction they bring? - 29th January 2011
• Can writers take leave? We don’t do any work - The Cleggeroonies have given us this Slack Dad’s Charter, so I’m going to take it. Whether I deserve it or not - 22nd January 2011
• How I loathe that long-haired whingeing oik - So middle-class student protesters think that working people like policemen should pay for their courses? - 15th January 2011
• Wicked stovepipe hat you’ve got there, bruv - Period dramas make every effort to look perfect. So why can’t the wretched scriptwriters get the language right? - 8th January 2011
• Seconds out, and no punching below stairs - In the blue corner, the evil gay footman. In the red, the Nazi chauffeur. But you can throw Thomas Hardy to the crocs - 1st January 2011

Articles: 2010

• Zuckerberg as Person of the Year? Dislike - Down with social networks. Well, up with some of them. Remind my cricket-battered brain which way that is? - 18th December 2010
• Oh, Kevin. You dope. 75mph in a loser’s car? - It’s bad enough for England’s top batsman to look such a twit. But in a stunt set up by one of the enemy . . . - 11th December 2010
• What a giveaway: the book is on its final page - Calling this act of desperation World Book Night is like calling a plan to dump little dogs World Puppy Night - 4th December 2010

• That dwarf joke turns out to be a tall story - You heard it here first: the Speaker did not have a car crash. It was just a classic attack on average-sized chaps - 27th November 2010
• It’s the crowning glory of the Triumph of Posh - Ruddy-cheeked, honest and a bit thick: that’s how we want the world to see us and that’s why we love Wills and Kate - 20th November 2010
• The Good News according to St Tesco’s - A supermarket opens in a former church. It’s perfect for modern times but we may have to tweak the Gospel . . . - 13th November 2010
• I’m fine on Asterix. After that, who knows? - It’s the big one – appearing on Mastermind. My knowledge-free mind is going to be seriously tested . . . - 6th November 2010
• I’d rather cry over a dead man than a dead stag - Making creatures like the Emperor of Exmoor and Paul the octopus into celebrities is childish sentimentality - 30th October 2010
• Stop carping and let the posh boys sort it out - At last, the hated Tories are in power and the placard-wavers out on the streets. It’s back to politics as usual - 23rd October 2010
• The real reason the Buck House bash is off - Could it be that, like many of us, Her Majesty couldn’t stand the prospect of an office Christmas party? - 16th October 2010
• You damn fool, Charlie. Smoking isn’t cool - Wheezing and coughing in his cage, nicotine patches hanging off his fur . . . yes, only an ape would take up fags - 9th October 2010
• If fatties want a good read, try a big fat novel - For something glossy, shallow and venal, try this magazine. But really, if you’re too big, try a jumper – and Tolstoy - 2nd October 2010
• How a little light was thrown on the Dark Ages - Anglo-Saxon England’s first working window has just been found. How did that go down with the neighbours? - 25th September 2010
• How to lose friends in Third World Britain - So it turns out that I did spend my gap year in a developing country. Shame there’s no one I can celebrate with - 18th September 2010
• It’s high time a Jewish man won the Booker - Where is our Saul Bellow, our Philip Roth? The goyim have dominated English literature for too long - 11th September 2010
• Years of misery to come. It makes me so happy - What have I got to be so damn gloomy about? I just feel I should have had so much more fun in my life - 4th September 2010
• China loves Jane Eyre? Reader, I understand it - Beijing sees itself in Brontë’s orphan — but, alas, the Chinese Simon Cowell will be along in 200 years - 28th August 2010
• Aaah, it’s little turnip-sized Kermit Coren - When your pregnant wife doesn’t give a hoot about how her bulge is getting on, a chap has to step up - 21st August 2010
• Cuddly Cam confounds the robot of doom - The PM knows our foreign policy counts for diddly squat. So he’s using it to rile Labour - 31st July 2010
• I don’t care if he started it. You’re both mad - Sibling rivalry is for medieval kings and petty poseurs - 24th July 2010
• Teaching’s a funny old game - Once, they were happy enough with 30 grand and long holidays. Then along came Mark Elms and it all changed - 17th July 2010
• My water butt is a right old barrel of laughs - It’s empty when I need it and full when I don’t - 10th July 2010
• Keep quiet about my BBC pay, Sir Michael - Never mind Graham Norton and Fiona Bruce. I can’t have everyone knowing I toil for Auntie for thruppence an hour - 3rd July 2010
• Of course men crash more. We do the driving - Can women do London to Oxford in 47 minutes? - 26th June 2010
• First term at St Jamie’s and it’s all pukka, mate - What better way to run a school than just to throw a few pupils and teachers together and stir well? - 19th June 2010
• Nought to 60 seconds for a mere 250 grand - The Ferrari ‘timepiece’ is obscene. Are our minutes simply not good enough for the super-rich? - 12th June 2010
• Skimpy shorts at cricket? Why not naked girls? - It’s pathetic that Twenty20 is so timid in drawing the crowds. Let’s have poles on the square and a four for a hit - 5th June 2010
• I had my Spider-Man moment. And I failed - When a road accident happened right in front of me, I needed superhero powers to prevent it . . . - 29th May 2010
• A round-the-world voyage is just plain sailing - Who cares about 16-year-olds sitting in a boat? I’ll only be impressed when toddlers are canoeing the Amazon - 22nd May 2010
• Eton,Westminster . . . of course they’re relaxed! - From the moment they waved their mummies goodbye, this was the minimum expected of Clegg and Cameron - 15th May 2010
• Pull out the stopper! Let’s have a whopper! - You’ll have to excuse me. Now I’ve got this column done I’ve got to get to the church on time - 24th April 2010
• That MasterChef thing — it’ll never catch on - They tried me out as one of the expert foodies. But I just didn’t cut the mustard - 10th April 2010
• Vote for someone you can trust. Yourself - Fed up with traditional politics, two of my friends are standing as independents. I suggest we all do the same - 3rd April 2010
• Don’t be sexist, girls. Men’s books are grim, too - Creative writing courses only teach you to copy Ian McEwan. No wonder today’s novels are so depressing - 20th March 2010
• Four exorcisms a day. Yes, it’s a devil of a job - Are you suffering from diabolical possession? Do you need liberating from evil? The Vatican can help - 13th March 2010
• Respect, Jakey Z. I want to go Zulu, too - One to drive, one to drink, one to clean, one to . . . Having lots of wives isn’t funny or primitive. It’s brilliant - 6th March 2010
• The horse has bolted. Makes you want to spit - My book on anger isn’t out yet. And when it is, it’ll be too late. Mr Bully will be gone – replaced by Mr Nicey Nicey - 27th February 2010
• Sendin’ Valentine cards learns kidz ’ow to rite - It’s a tradition that goes back to the Middle Ages – which was a time when people started their love lives very young - 13th February 2010
• The Enlightenment was a capital idea, Sir - Admittedly, we can do without the worst effects of the scientific revolution, like the Toyota Yaris, but really - 6th February 2010
• Kids will snap up Tesco schooldays - If the retail giant wants to cash in on the unhappiest time of our lives, there’s more to sell than uniforms - 16th January 2010
• If I hear another global warming joke, I’ll... - ...go completely insane. Climate change doesn’t mean we’ll have lots of lovely weather all the time, you numbskulls - 9th January 2010
• Please excuse this column. My brain has died - That post-Christmas week is when the only thoughts that register are about brie or TV adverts or bargain bags of coal - 2nd January 2010
• Thou shalt not... well, actually... - Now a vicar has said stealing can be OK, the other Commandments need freshening up. So here goes - 26th December 2009

Articles: 2009

• That driven snow isn’t as pure as you think - When North London is like the North Pole, covered with a crisp blanket of white, I can’t help but think of what lies beneath - 19th December 2009
• Book round-ups. Turkeys tarted up. I feel sick - Who cares about celebrity reads of the year? Sea bass for Christmas lunch, eh? And don’t get me going on scarves . . . - 12th December 2009
• No, MP does not stand for Mostly Plastered - What was Sally Bercow, the Speaker’s wife, thinking when she volunteered details of a past life full of sex and alcohol? - 5th December 2009
• Try my red-eye pod, with menu and movies - Flying near the front is perfect 21st-century living ... saintly staff, decent food, good wine. Shame about the passengers - 28th November 2009
• Kate Moss: an icon of willpower and strength - Don’t damn the supermodel for being honest. If you want to be thin, you have to eat less. And thin is much better than fat - 21st November 2009
• Don’t steal Kenyan beans! Too many food miles - The rise of the middle-class shoplifter raises some difficult dilemmas. Will it lead on to muggings at fishknife point? - 14th November 2009
• Too witty for words. I should quit on a high - Thank heavens for the rich guy who splashed out billions on a rail company. See you in the Buffett carriage - 7th November 2009
• There’s no hope. And, frankly, all is not well - Every e-mail starts with a banal inquiry about how things are in my world. Don’t ask, unless you really want to know . . . - 31st October 2009
• The humungous sadness of Britain’s fattest man - Like a child in his pyjamas, with toy Daleks and fizzy pop nearby, Paul Mason welcomed the TV cameras for a fee of £200 - 24th October 2009
• What use is a brain the size of a planet? - Stop swotting and turn on the television. The prizes go to the good-looking guy who everyone likes - 17th October 2009
• The barcode is nothing to celebrate - It killed off the traditional shop and gave us the checkout girl. And what’s with a 57th anniversary anyway? - 10th October 2009
• U-turn if you want to. I’ve turned already - Politics is soooo boring. What matters is that I’ve changed my mind about organic food, dogs, fat people and football - 3rd October 2009
• University is for sex. But I failed miserably - Higher education is full of angry academics who want to make up for long hours spent working instead of making hay - 26th September 2009
• No one’s going to call me Lunchtime O’Booze - Poor old Keith Floyd. I don’t want to die at 65, befuddled and unfulfilled, like so many men with a supposed ‘zest for life’ - 19th September 2009
• I’ll never forget what Sophie whispered - You get yourself on to a TV game show – and then the awful things you’ve written come flooding back - 12th September 2009
• The joys of cricket turned to ashes this year - After a dismal ‘yoof’-obsessed summer with no heroes and no one really watching, I think I’ll follow tennis next year - 29th August 2009
• Newspapers, dead? Better monetise me now - I’m packing up my adjectives for a new life online, where I’ll be honing my tweeting, podshouting and blogorrhoea - 22nd August 2009
• Put on my dancing shoes? Fat chance of that - Obesity revolts me, but not as much as surrendering my identity to a jiggling mob. I won’t kowtow to the communism of dance - 15th August 2009
• French car is not a runaway success - How a silly piece of design and some crass reading choices are putting a dent in my holiday enjoyment - 8th August 2009
• The poor little mutt. But was it rude to stare? - I wouldn’t dream of gawping at a disabled person in the street. A mere dog, though, is just a thing bred for lonely people - 1st August 2009
• My portfolio: off-the-shelf bargains - After Virginia Woolf’s beach and Beatrix Potter’s river, I can exclusively offer more literary landmarks - 18th July 2009
• And lo, Dave Moses had a burning bush crisis - The Opposition leader may be related to the Israelite leader. He could lead us to the land of organic milk and honey - 11th July 2009
• Enough sentimental bull about bullfighting - Does Ricky Gervais not realise that the animals speared in a ring have a far better life than those bred for hamburgers? - 4th July 2009
• All I wanted was a parcel. I got an earful - With Royal Mail out on strike there are no postmen around — but after my experience maybe that’s not a bad thing - 20th June 2009
• Fright - the F-word that explains Ramsay - The celebrity chef's life seems to be in meltdown. But TV viewers don't see his fragile side - 13th June 2009
• Behold the British, tattoed and half-naked - The sweaty slap slap of flip-flops, men's hairy toes, ghastly bondage sandals: when it comes to summer we are a disgrace - 6th June 2009
• Let us go then, and feign our love of verse - Come on, admit it, you can only half-remember a couple of sonnets. The truth is we don't give a stuff about poetry - 30th May 2009
• Forget the Ashes. This is how to play cricket - It's been a traumatic time for our summer sport. But a convivial reunion reminded me what the game is really about - 23rd May 2009
• Tie his kangaroo down. He's off to the beach - It's mind-blowing that landing a job as a caretaker in Australia should be considered the summit of Man's expectations - 9th May 2009
• If I had a double, so many things I could quit - I'm with Beyoncé, Hitler and Kim Jong Il. It's the greatest perk in the world to use a lookalike to avoid an art gallery - 2nd May 2009
• I was always a Labour man - until now - The Tories are wooing me. I rode in a car with one last week and my inner Gollum thinks it could all be rather rewarding - 25th April 2009
• Cleopatra, aged 2,078? A bit past her prime - From Noah's Ark to Camelot, our insatiable desire to get to the ‘truth' through archaeological digs diminishes us as humans - 18th April 2009
• The Godfather Squirrel and a severed tulip head - The nightly riot of destruction by rodents has left me too tense to enjoy my garden. I may have to go and live on Mars - 11th April 2009
• Do a pig a favour! Ban vegetarianism now! - People who don't eat meat are not just pale, boring, vain and flaky. They are also suffering from an eating disorder - 4th April 2009
• Nazism with paddles and Pimm's - It is impossible to take the Boat Race seriously: for a start, rowing is not even a sport - 28th March 2009
• How do I hate skiing? Let me count the ways - The danger, the boots, the chairlifts, the people, the food, the clothes... and, most terribly at this time, the deaths - 21st March 2009
• Choccy tax? No, we need a blubber tax - Overweight people cost the health service a colossal amount. We should hit them in the wallet - 14th March 2009
• Gazundered! I'm starting to feel a bit deflated - Let me get this right. If my house value keeps going down, soon I'll need a wheelbarrow of money to pay someone to buy it? - 28th February 2009
• Enough whining. Ban all stinking dogs. Now - Man's best friends are no such thing. They are brutal, dirty and a primitive throwback to the days of bearbaiting - 14th February 2009
• You won't get that high-flying job - The unemployed graduates of 2009 should be grateful that they won't be lured by fat pay packets - 7th February 2009
• Whaddya mean you won't go on the swarm? - Scientists have found that locusts don't always want to live in groups. But then what insect-about-town does? - 31st January 2009
• Here's a dream team fit for a Russian oligarch - If Alexander Lebedev is to be the Roman Abramovich of newspapers, these are some people he should employ... - 24th January 2009
• The perfect meal for the world's fattest nation - I would far rather have had a Bush cook-out of barbecued pork chops and Bud than the huge, sweet and sickly inaugural lunch - 21st January 2009
• Now stand by for the flying parking ticket... - ...and the flying speed hump and the flying bus lane. Because the bureaucrats will make sure this idea doesn't fly - 17th January 2009
• Rough guide to Britain on two dollars a week - Our country may be cold, rude and dirty, but at least it's cheap - so here are some pointers for tourists ready to risk it - 10th January 2009
• My name's Giles and I want to be a TV addict - For 20 years I had this crazy notion that books were far more worthy than telly. Now, at last, I have seen the light - 3rd January 2009

Articles: 2008

• 10 points for spotting a princess in the street - ...but only if you know her. Otherwise five points. The Spot-the-Celeb scoring system will distract anyone from shopping - 27th December 2008
• British writing on sex always has its knockers - What a joyless, hung-up, small-minded nation we must be to reduce a genius like John Updike to ‘the laureate of lewd' - 20th December 2008
• Now it's geography that's going to be history - And summer-born children like me will no longer miss out on those vital months learning about Anglo-Saxon shore forts - 13th December 2008
• Harry Potter and the spinner of Azkaban - With J.K.Rowling and Wisden united under one roof, now is the time for a little wizardry - 6th December 2008
• That's the woeful wonder of Woolies - Only one high street store could have provided a cheap counterblast to the excesses of the boom - 29th November 2008
• We need high culture when the index is low - Forget Siberian flosspots. When we’re living on boiled squirrel we should turn to Tolstoy, not trash - 22nd November 2008
• You didn't need a certificate, Korders, old bean - The Iranian Interior Minister is an utter fraud. No true Oxford man bothers with all that mortar-board nonsense - 8th November 2008
• Singing Singh drops a prize literary clanger - Outrage at the Booker award ceremony, the answer to an Oxbridge poser and a question of nature or nurture - 18th October 2008
• Exclusive: those ‘sent items' e-mails in full - Google is trying to stop people sending late-night e-mails that they might later regret. As if I would ever need that... - 11th October 2008
• Live from the obesity crisis ground zero - Your fearless correspondent embedded in Rotherham disguises himself as a banana to meet our Minister of Food - 4th October 2008
• Ruth Kelly at 3am: I know what happened - The truth of that resignation can now be revealed. It helps if you went to school and university with the protagonist - 27th September 2008
• Sir, sir, which day did He create dinosaurs on? - When it comes to the creation, there are some ticklish problems about the detail of which beast arrived when - 20th September 2008
• Holy Mackerel! It's Restaurant Critic Man! - If the Japanese have a cartoon wine critic, the world could do with a superhero to save us all from bad, overpriced food - 13th September 2008
• Is this tennis? The court was blue! And the clothes... - The horrors of the US Open must be kept away from Wimbledon - 10th September 2008
• A German hurricane? No wonder they all fled - At last, a force of nature that lives up to its name - and a motorbike that need not be a force for evil - 6th September 2008
• Three grunts for Neanderthal geniuses - So Homo neanderthalensis was not as thick as we thought. We'd better have an apology from the PM - 30th August 2008
• All the lawns are manicured in Polly Toynbee land - Only stupid people would imagine that the rich are intrinsically interesting and intelligent - 9th August 2008
• The winner's version of history. That's original - Sir Ridley Scott wants us to see Robin Hood through the sheriff's eyes. But you can't have revisionist fiction - 2nd August 2008

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