Carol Midgley articles



Article archive:


Articles: 2013

 * 10 points who can guess why November 11th is such a momentous day - Look, do you mind if I palm you off with a quickie this week? (The column, I meant. Tsk, honestly.) - 13th November 2013
 * Hey, selfish school-run driver, your brat isn’t all that matters - Here’s something that has been stumping me all week. Some local councils, it transpires, are using CCTV-type cameras to spy upon, film and fine the cojones off parents who park illegally when dropping their children at school - 6th November 2013
 * Why we should all hang on to our bags for life - So, the trusty bag for life turns out, all along, to have been the toxic old bag of death. There we were, smugly handing over 10p for a planet-saving carrier bag decorated with tulips, when actually we were taking home a many-fanged potential killer - 31st October 2013
 * Gloria De Piero wants ordinary women in Parliament - Last week, on the day that Gloria De Piero was promoted to Shadow Minister for Women and Equalities, she received an e-mail from a random member of the public. “Do you wear tights?” asked the man. “If so what colour? Are they nylon or woolly?” - 18th October 2013
 * So you think you are working hard - take this quiz - Here’s a little titbit to curdle the soul. They are now selling pen toppers that double up as cutlery, which means you need never leave your desk to eat again - 3rd October 2013
 * Mariella Frostrup’s Sex Box is just voyeurism - Well, someone’s got to say it, so it might as well be me. Who would be up for entering Mariella Frostrup’s sex box? Don’t be shy - 26th September 2013
 * The young drink in the moment, the old never - Good news everyone: hangovers get better with age - 19th September 2013
 * Does Le Vell deserve a lifetime of suspicion? - I felt strangely depressed watching Michael Le Vell, newly acquitted of child sex offences, holding aloft a thumb and a pint of lager in a gesture that said: “Thank God it’s all over.” Because, of course, it is not over - 12th September 2013
 * You’re not an ideal immigrant yourself, Vinnie Jones - What are we to do, readers? How will we cope? I refer to the news that Vinnie Jones, ex-footballer, former thug and testicle twister, has turned his back on the UK because it is full of Johnny foreigners - 5th September 2013
 * Jamie Oliver, patron saint of getting on your high horse - Hands up anyone who hasn’t so far been slagged off by Jamie Oliver. Think carefully now - 29th August 2013
 * The rise of the super-intern - Dig around a while in the fevered world of internships and it doesn’t take long to unearth the horror stories - 28th August 2013
 * Do we need a holiday from holidays? - I have just returned from two weeks away. It was lovely, thanks. Plenty of wine and snoring lie-ins to sleep it off - 15th August 2013
 * Anyone for a snail facial? - Bit of a crap existence, isn’t it, being a snail? - 10th August 2013
 * Sexed-up baby T-shirts? No thank you - If you ask me, what we need more of in society is clothing that sexualises young children - 3rd August 2013
 * The secret’s out: more men are buying make-up - There was a time, not so very long ago, when a typical man’s “beauty regime” could be summarised in two words: soap and water - 28th July 2013
 * I’m with the senior royals: let’s stop fussing about the baby heir - There aren’t many upsides to growing old these days — at least that’s what I tell myself as I chuck aside the Government’s units calculator and crack open another bottle of red — but there’s certainly this to be said for it - 18th July 2013
 * Do we really need to know Ed and Dave’s domestic titbits? - I have a question for the two main party leaders which I feel sure perplexes many a voter. Tell us: just what is the strange allure of Now magazine? - 12th July 2013
 * We don’t pay TV licence fees to fill the pockets of outgoing BBC execs - About 20 years ago, when newspaper journalists were still living relatively high on the hog, I often felt a bit sorry for BBC reporters - 3rd July 2013
 * The death of room service - I get the feeling we’re all supposed to be sad that hotel room service is dying a slow death - 3rd July 2013
 * How much do you really want highlights? - Dyeing your hair used to be a simple task - 22nd June
 * The G8 looked like middle managers on a cheap bonding weekend - How the owners of Tie Rack must have sobbed into their £7.99 paisley handkerchiefs this week - 20th June 2013
 * Why wives who don’t take their husband’s names are a dying breed - There was a bit of a kerfuffle when I returned to the UK from Italy with my daughter this week - 13th June 2013
 * Footwear fetishism - I have never managed to give much of a flying duck about shoes - 6th June 2013
 * How long before we turn female Viagra into a Carry On joke? - Well it was bound to happen one day — and now it has. They have come up with a Viagra-like pill for women - 30th May 2013
 * The Lord Lambton saga makes me glad my family isn’t wealthy - Until I went to university I had never met anyone with stonkingly rich parents - 23rd May 2013
 * When did everybody ditch booze for boring? - I’m raising a glass this week to Paula White, the BBC Radio Stoke DJ who was pulled off air 30 minutes into her farewell afternoon show for sounding what we shall politely call pifflicated - 16th May 2013
 * True heroes are rarer now in the age of fear and self interest - When Charles Ramsey first saw a frightened young woman yelling for help at her porch door in Cleveland, Ohio, he assumed that it was a domestic violence incident - 9th May 2013
 * I’ve only flown first class once and I wish I hadn’t - I have only once flown posh class on an aeroplane. It was a free upgrade (no idea why; I was wearing jeans) - 2nd May 2013
 * In recent years ‘bump watch’ has become a national fetish - Why is Kate’s bump so tiny? Don’t worry: that wasn’t a serious question - 25th April 2013
 * The spirit rising out of the Boston bombings - Who wants to “click and view” the online footage of the Boston bombs exploding? - 18th April 2013
 * If you’re judged on what you tweet at 14, then we’re all in trouble - Well, I don’t know about you but I’ll sleep more soundly knowing that 17-year-old Paris Brown has been hounded from her job as Britain’s first youth crime commissioner - 11th April 2013
 * It’s a sad day when Hollywood shouts ‘cut’ on steamy sex scenes - Sex scenes are being cut from Hollywood films, it emerged this week, because shagging on the big screen no longer puts bottoms on seats - 4th April 2013
 * Why does childcare cost so much in Britain? - Life holds many mysteries but for the working parent in Britain one of the most unfathomable is surely this: why the hell does childcare cost so much? - 28th March 2013
 * In dire times we need more dancing in the library, not less - St Hilda’s College at Oxford has fired a librarian after students recorded a Harlem Shake video as a stunt in her library and posted it on YouTube. Those who dismissed her sound, with respect, like a joyless bunch of pant-wetters - 21st March 2013
 * Direct your enquiries elsewhere - Are you amazed to learn that the Metropolitan Police spent £35,000 in two years by phoning the speaking clock? - 16th March 2013
 * Petronella Wyatt’s message is music to the ears of dirty old men - When she was 15 years old, Petronella Wyatt, daughter of the politician and journalist Woodrow Wyatt, was groped by a family friend aged 76 - 14th March 2013
 * Jessica Ennis: Why have you stooped so low? - Jessica Ennis seems lovely, so I’m sad to see that she’s involved herself in a turkey of Bernard Matthews-esque proportions - 7th March 2013
 * A plea to fashion designers - The average woman own 19 pairs of shoes, but only wears seven. She possesses 100 items of clothing, but fewer than a third are ever seen on her back - 6th March 2013
 * Without office gossip, home-workers can get two more hours out of the day - A joke video on the internet warns about the perils of working from home - 28th February 2013
 * Kate Middleton may actually agree with Hilary Mantel - Like many women, I wouldn’t much like being called a “vagina” (though over the years I’ve had worse) - 21st February 2013
 * Loved-up couples need to stop rubbing everyone’s noses in it - Oh, God help us. As if Valentine’s Day isn’t gruesome enough with the “horny devil” underpants, feather ticklers and flammable peephole bras, couples are now being urged to “Sexercise” - 14th February 2013
 * Just because a minister smacked his kids doesn’t mean it’s OK - Some of you probably think me a wussy liberal who advocates spa breaks for serial killers. Whereas I think that anyone who hits anyone, whatever their age, has instantly lost the argument - 7th February 2013
 * What else can we invent that we don’t need? - Dolce & Gabbana has launched a new perfume for babies. I’ve been saying for years that babies need to make more effort - 31st January 2013
 * Teachers aren’t the reason that snow closes schools, greed is - I lost count of the times I heard people on the radio and in the supermarket denouncing the “idle” teaching profession - 24th January 2013
 * Why risk a gift card? - HMV is up the creek and anyone with a voucher that they got for Christmas is being told that they ‘will not be honoured’ - 17th January 2013
 * Not everyone spends child benefit on skiing, Boris - By coming into the argument, the Chancellor and Johnson give the impression that they imagine most people are like them - 10th January 2013
 * Going forward: the terms that need to go tits-up. Just sayin’ - There have always been overflogged buzz phrases, but thanks to the internet it takes only a day for phrases to go viral - 3rd January 2013



Articles: 2012

 * The great sell-by swindle - ‘Once I’d have thrown away sausages on their use-by day; now I just sniff them and, if they don’t make me heave, shove them under the grill’ - 23rd December 2012
 * The musical torment of customers is a method of mind control - ‘Tis the season to be driven half-mad by piped music in high street shops. No wonder people are turning to the internet - 20th December 2012
 * Branson’s gonads are safe - I never imagined that Willie Walsh, the man who runs British Airways, would actually offer to knee him in the goolies - 13th December 2012
 * Why we marry look-alikes - I take issue with the reason scientists give to explain our attraction to our spitting images. Isn’t it just narcissism? - 6th December 2012
 * Working on your laptop in bed - When all is quiet, and you’re nice and comfy, is often when you’re at your most clear-headed and full of bright ideas - 29th November 2012
 * Don’t worry, it could be worse – you could be rich - How much money does a person need to live well? - 22nd November 2012
 * John Lewis’s Christmas ad is creepy - John Lewis is usually the master of Christmas commercials. But the horror-spoof version on YouTube is nearer the mark - 15th November 2012
 * A lie-in? Not in this hotel, you don’t... - Why do hotels impose 11am checkouts? It’s not what you’d call relaxing - 8th November 2012
 * Pippa’s party book strikes a dumb note - A Pippa Middleton party is about as much fun as a precision attack by US Navy Seals on Pakistan, and just as subtle - 1st November 2012
 * I don’t give a monkey’s... for voice surgery - What’s the point of a voice lift if you haven’t got the body to match? - 21st October 2012
 * Kids drinking to destruction - I realise how old-fartish this sounds but — why? Why would anyone WANT such cocktail made with liquid nitrogen? - 11th October 2012
 * I watched Jim’ll Fix It; my skin crawled - Although he looked like the caricature of a child molester, the idea he was a sexual predator would have been laughable - 4th October 2012
 * Step away from the Twittersphere, Dave - The PM is opening a personal Twitter account. Why, Dave, why? I predict it will be like pouring turds over your own head - 27th September 2012
 * Kate Middleton has done breasts a favour - The furore has, at least, exposed society’s baffling and frequently hypocritical relationship with the female tit - 20th September 2012
 * Love, not self-pity, drove families of the 96 - When your children are dead, all you can do is buy flowers for their grave — and fight - 14th September 2012
 * Parc life - I don’t give a monkey’s... that I’ve been proved wrong about Center Parcs - 13th September 2012
 * Wanton stupidity should be made a crime - Clueless walkers should be dangled over a grassy precipice by their ankles. They’ll soon stop wasting rescuers’ time - 6th September 2012
 * Morality and syphilis aside, how is it even practical to keep a stable of lovers? - As you may have read in Times 2, a new book suggests that we lighten up about infidelity and seize happiness by enjoying some extramarital legover - 30th August 2012
 * It started as a superb idea but TripAdvisor is now a magnet for pedants - 9th August 2012
 * If you fancy a dirt-cheap mini-break in London, you’ve just won gold - This time last week I was standing in Rome’s Colosseum sweating like a dodgy MP on expenses-check day - 2nd August 2012
 * Suffering for the sake of style - ‘When it comes to maiming themselves for fashion, women take the gold, silver and bronze’ - 28th July 2012
 * The perils of non-verbal communication - Which hand gesture infuriates you the most? - 21st July 2012
 * Split-personality cleavage - ‘With this bra, women aren’t just having to work day-to-night outfits but day-to-night clackers, too’ - 14th July
 * What’s worse than a shell suit? - What about thongs, rah-rah skirts, ponchos, stonewashed jeans... - 6th July
 * We’re turning S&M into a lifestyle choice - 5th July 2012
 * Things that give me road rage - ‘Leaving your indicator on, so for 30 miles everyone thinks you’re turning right. Not using your indicators at all’ - 30th June 2012



Articles: 2011

 * The Kerchers have been through enough - Little wonders viewers were outraged by this crass TV show - 6th October 2011
 * Hallowe’en is just too scary - ‘I’m one of those killjoys who think Hallowe’en has become an amoral, consumerist crapathon’ - 29th September 2011
 * You can ban cigarettes in films, but how do you stop your child seeing a cool girl smoking in the street? - Several years ago when my daughter had a crack-like addiction to the TV show Peppa Pig, I noticed that Peppa didn’t wear a seatbelt in her parents’ car. “That’s not setting a very good example,” I snorted — then instantly vowed to punch myself in the face for being the sort of pantwetter who cannot distinguish between real life and a cartoon ungulate - 22nd September 2011
 * Spare some change for an old shed? - There is never a good time for a millionaire model to ask the public to cough up - 15th September 2011
 * As words die out, our culture is coarsening - ‘Will anyone use “spooning” again? Will ears ever be boxed? Fizzy drinks called pop? Idiots be ninnies?’ - 15th September 2011
 * TV trials will turn judges into Simon Cowell - It seems like a good idea, but show trials serve nobody’s interests. Plus: what is the true value of marital sex? - 8th September 2011
 * No one loves their kids as much as celebs do - ‘Isn’t it sort of a given that one’s children come first? That’s like expecting praise for not kicking puppies’ - 4th September 2011
 * pick Big Brother over a hoody every time'' - The anti-CCTV brigade have gone a bit quiet since the arrest of thousands of rioters caught on camera - 27th August
 * Sally, you can’t have it both ways'' - The Speaker’s wife has gone too far on Big Brother - 25th August 2011
 * results: a horror I’ll never forget'' -Plus: Gerard Depardieu’s mile-high ‘accident’, and why it can be fun to lobotomise yourself with an all-inclusive break - 18th August 2011
 * bottoms is an old man’s game'' - Why Jeremy Irons has gone too far - 11th August 2011
 * the fussy hotel reviewer'' - I like TripAdvisor. I like the way it set us free from holiday-brochure gush, deceit and cliché, citizen journalism slashing through the tumid claptrap, our community bulls**t detector - 4th August 2011
 * defence of the bodice ripper'' - Do Mills & Boon et al that take their readers for idiots? Not a bit of it - 27th July 2011
 * Every washed-out summer has a silver lining'' - The key to surviving a British holiday is to lower your expectations to somewhere below ankle level - 21st July 2011
 * vigilante who created his own ‘WikiLeaks’'' - People who urinate in public places should be shamed, but so should the councils that fail to provide conveniences - 14th July 2011
 * Cheryl Cole’s friends are in a bind'' - With divorces, be careful what you bitch for - they happen at such speed these days that people often regret them - 7th July 2011
 * language'' - With ‘hey’ and other Americanisms encroaching on our everyday speech, defensive measures are called for - 1st July 2011
 * up for a policy while we pimp your details'' - We must be honest when dealing with insurers, yet they have behaved with the integrity of hyenas - 30th June 2011
 * of the summer wine for pensioners'' - Calling last orders on the elderly is cruel. With pension worries and terrible care, they need to drown their sorrows - 24th June 2011
 * Bagpuss off the bed'' - From crying to wearing espadrilles, via make-up, astrology and, oh, crying again: the female habits that turn men off - 16th June 2011
 * or affair? Take my love cheat test'' - Be honest: what would you rather your husband was guilty of? Would you rather be Coleen Rooney or Stacey Giggs? - 9th June 2011
 * hideous trill of TV sponsorship'' - Remember when you could watch an ITV programme without some brand piggybacking it like a fat aunt on a donkey? - 2nd June 2011
 * try to guilt us into giving, Mr Cameron'' - The Government is urging us to give to charity. From where many people are standing, this is breathtaking cheek - 26th May 2011
 * where is thy sting?'' - One person in seven, given the option, would choose to live for ever, says a new poll. Well, now. That would present an interesting challenge for the state pension system - 19th May 2011
 * let them bank on our ignorance'' - The London mortgage broker was so smarmy, I could see my gormless reflection in his dazzling white teeth - 12th May 2011
 * humour? We’ll all die laughing'' - If gags about Osama bin Laden’s killing are inappropriate, then nobody is yet saying so - 5th May 2011
 * are women’s fault? That’s a good gag'' - The idea that kiss-and-tell girls are the villains when their famous lovers pay to have them silenced is nonsensical - 28th April 2011
 * the water bottle – your kidneys will be OK'' - ‘I didn’t drink water that wasn’t mixed with Vimto until I was 19 and only got mistaken for a rhino’s arse a couple of times’ - 21st April 2011
 * great day out? Cruel and vile, I call it'' n- I went to the Grand National once — how’s that for hypocrisy? But I never will again. Nor will I watch it on TV - 14th April 2011
 * myths of cohabitation'' - Men and women have different reasons for moving in together – but who’s right? - 7th April 2011
 * now you’ve let yourself down'' - Does the Labour leader Ed Miliband really want to get married or is he formalising things with Justine Thornton for the rest of us? - 31st March 2011
 * down the curtain on theatre-interval drinks'' - ‘Everyone knows having one drink without the promise of a second is pointless, so you’ve basically paid to feel cheated’ - 24th March 2011
 * danger? Don’t cry to me if you find it'' - Some thrill-seekers put rescuers’ lives at risk and break their families’ hearts for little more than a willy-waving exercise - 17th March 2011
 * the strongest beer in the world sank me'' - Sink the Bismarck, a brew proud to be British - 10th March 2011
 * Americanisms? Not so much'' - No one needs to sound like a Hannah Montana cast member. Except the people who actually are, obviously - 3rd March 2011
 * fever? Sorry, you’re on the wrong track'' - For most of us the big event will be just an excuse for an all-day Friday bender - 3rd March 2011
 * again is not the way to beat the rap, Jacqui Smith'' - The former Home Secretary is making another error of judgment - 24th February 2011
 * to prove the Big Society is total BS'' - Cameron should get his MPs to clean the municipal bogs - 17th February 2011
 * skirt is dead'' - Celebrate! The stomach-compressing, VPL-displaying, heel-necessitating nightmare that is the skirt is officially out of style - 10th February 2011
 * with these saddo upgrade hustlers'' - Since cheap flights levelled the playing field, all that matters is how far away you sit from the riffraff - 3rd February 2011
 * It’s a Gray area for most women'' - God forbid that females come to be regarded as delicate flowers who will faint at one dirty riposte - 27th January 2011
 * don’t give a monkeys... about anyone’s rear'' - When a female MP is up for the award of Rear of the Year, you know something’s gone badly wrong - 22nd January 2011
 * up the duff meant up the junction'' - In the Sixties, women like Justin Webb’s mother were sacked from their jobs if they got pregnant. That was real stress - 20th January 2011
 * should stop playing men’s games'' - The victory over the BBC may help women to combat ageism - 13th January 2011
 * at Tesco? You’re off your trolleys'' - 6th January 2011



Articles: 2010

 * English: our stellar role model'' - Forget Harry Potter’s sidekick, the Apprentice winner is the one we should admire - 23rd December 2010
 * fun?That’s just a load of old (snow) balls'' - Predictions that more snow and ice are coming does not make me come over all Bing Crosby; it fills me with horror - 16th December 2010
 * or are they just taking the pizza?'' - 9th December 2010
 * low-class act using the C-word about Cheryl Cole'' - Chav is now the acceptable middle-class term of abuse those poorer and less educated - 25th November 2010
 * Nick Clegg, get me out of here . . .'' - ‘I don’t want to depress Nick Clegg, but Öpik is a rejected MP who has taken a fee to eat grubs for a reality TV show’ - 18th November 2010
 * sweat and tears on the 7.42 (delayed)'' - 11th November 2010
 * never be grand enough, Carole, chuck'' - Kate Middleton’s mother may have been invited to Balmoral but she’ll never be one of Them - 4th November 2010
 * Wayne’s world of greed really worth it?'' - Do these millionaires believe a few grand is worth their credibility? - 28th October 2010
 * awful disservice . . . even to shoplifters'' - Why do most vendors treat me like a criminal? - 21st October 2010
 * into one doesn’t go for a woman today, Kirstie'' - When a twosome turns into a gruesome abberation - 14th October 2010
 * drop the Del Boy act'' - Most people accept the need for cuts, but what we don’t need is people in high office titting about with empty gestures - 6th October 2010
 * don’t give a monkey’s...'' - ...about Hallowe’en - 1st October 2010
 * Shagger daddy of ten shows us how far girls’ self-esteem has sunk'' - Am I the only woman who feels a bit spurned not to have been pursued by the “Sunderland Shagger”? - 23rd September 2010
 * Rooney’s middle-class escort'' - This public schoolgirl may reputedly earn £1,200 a night, but she’s badly in need of lessons in style — and spelling - 9th September 2010
 * not the chugging. It’s the way the chuggers chug'' - We’re happy to give. But don’t twist our arms when we do it - 3rd September 2010
 * am finished with holidaying in Britain'' - Blighty holidays cannot be done unless you enjoy headbutting the windscreen for nine hours on a motorway - 21st August 2010
 * swimming and the sweet taste of defeat for clampers'' - Some clampers operating on our streets are not hugely unlike organised crime - 19th August 2010
 * up if you never cheat to save a dime'' - Ever paid cash to avoid VAT? Benefit fraud is grotesque, but the middle classes aren’t all sweet innocence - 14th August 2010
 * was that? Not the big, bad Bill I fancied'' - I watched all a-flutter in a Birmingham pub as Bill Clinton polished off a pint and a plate of chips and garlic bread in minutes - 5th August 2010
 * don’t give a monkey’s for modesty panels'' - Modesty panels may stop people ogling your cleavage, but will lead some to question why your breasts are wearing a burka - 1st July 2010
 * Boris Johnson is so resistible'' - Somewhere in his DNA is the genotype for the perfect Tefal politician. Nothing touches him - 21st July 2010
 * drink responsibly, honourable members?'' - The House of Commons is notorious for discounted booze, though why MPs need their ale underwritten by the taxpayer isn’t clear - 15th July 2010
 * survey said...'' - Conflicting polls suggest we are having no sex and more sex – so which is it? - 10th July 2010
 * degree, third-class prospects'' - I suppose employers must sort out the Jedwards from the Leonas somehow, but it all makes for a very dull world - 3rd July 2010
 * of disapproval'' - I don’t give a monkey’s how many studies say that mobile phones don’t fry your brain - 27th June 2010
 * girl’s chumbawambas are her own affair'' - Fun bags? There are 138 obviously dreadful but slightly less offensive tit-slang words in the English language to choose from - 26nd June 2010
 * to ditch our ‘oooh matron’ sex attitude'' - Seriously, when were you last chased around a bed with a tickling stick? - 24th June 2010
 * families don’t need child benefit'' - There are such gigantic disparities in wealth that universal benefits are now anachronistic. We need to save billions: Child Benefit should be means-tested - 17th June 2010
 * is the first refuge of the fake football fan'' - Few sights are more dispiriting than a fake England fannette “whoo-wooing” ecstatically in a pub, jiggling her chest in a Three Lions crop-top while cheering on the wrong players - 10th June 2010
 * the iPhone really more important than a flushing toilet?'' - I don’t give a monkey’s... for iPhone love - 10th June 2010
 * up BBC staff exiled up north, we’ve put our teeth in specially'' - Londoners apparently don’t like keeping fridges in their front garden - 20th May 2010
 * young is in our genes, so it’s back to the beer and fags for me'' - This would explain how Kate Moss can stay up all night and still look amazing - 14th May 2010
 * voting system is brilliant — it brings out my inner patriot'' - My daughter thinks that going to vote is tremendously exciting. It isn’t, but I wouldn’t change it for the world - 6th May 2010
 * what you like about journalists, we’d say it better'' - The spread of unsubstantiated celebrity rumours by “citizen reporters” shows how important it is to have professionals - 29th April 2010
 * Miss, how big is your house and what do you earn?'' - Journalists should act more like children and just say what they think - 1st April 2010
 * a fair cop? Not for Cabinet ministers'' - Con you out of a quid? But madam, I assure you I was acting entirely within the spirit of the published guidelines - 25th March 2010
 * forget this Celebrity Mr and Mrs'' - Wives gazing adoringly at their husbands is proffered as a voucher for their integrity and fitness for purpose - 18th March 2010
 * Terry’s shunned hand looked like a shamed, limp appendage'' - Emotional prematch confrontations could change the face of football for women - 1st March 2010
 * Tories' sexed-up dossier misses the point'' - Why is it that we are we so obsessed with painting teenage motherhood as such an absolute calamity anyway? - 18th February 2010
 * internet is killing the art of tabloid speak'' - The short, pithy words loved by red-top newspapers are becoming endangered - mercy dash needed - 15th February 2010
 * on John Terry for having the balls to keep playing'' - The England captain’s affair is no more shocking than that of an insurance salesman. At least he’s facing the music - 4th February 2010
 * the planet or just toying with us?'' - Being lectured on plastic bags and the environment by The Disney Store really is the final straw - 1st February 2010
 * divorce gift list gets my vote'' - David Cameron's local department store could tell him that people care more about happiness than marriage incentives - 21st January 2010
 * Nick Clegg's remarks about Gina Ford made headlines'' - 'Kids don’t come with a manual!' is the often-repeated cliché. Well, yes they do actually — about 4,000 of them - 14th January 2010
 * can’t just vote Big Brother out'' - Whatever its failings, the reality TV show, whose celebrity version is airing for the last time, has changed our viewing - 8th January 2010



Articles: 2009

 * slush, Sloanes and broken bones'' - Stupid clothes, red cheeks and a dewdrop hanging from your nose . . . you'd get the same effect collecting trolleys at an Asda car park in January - 17th December 2009
 * the sickbag - it's celebrity TV ad time'' - Ant and Dec’s TV ads have a scripted chumminess that is as excruciating as overhearing one’s parents having sex - 10th December 2009
 * men: it's a slippery, skin-waxed slope'' - Men will now gladly sting, bleach, peel and starve like girls to achieve the media-approved version of a 'hot' body - 3rd December 2009
 * you love each other — but not in public, please'' - I watched with amazement the procession of newly reunited couples who practically had sex in front of the waiting crowd - 26th November 2009
 * my party - and I'll cry if I want to . . .'' - The Christmas party season is a fantasy invented by the marketing industry and perpetuated by TV to feed our inadequacy - 19th November 2009
 * shows that Britain's still good at the important things'' - We expect things to be a bit rubbish and don't overreact when they are. It's one of the things that makes us nice - 13th November 2009
 * a first-class t**t is that touchy about such twitticisms'' - Millions of us are interpreting every small slight as rejection and withering like salted slugs - 5th November 2009
 * Rooney stay away from the birth?'' - I didn’t want my husband to be there when I gave birth, and if Coleen wants Wayne she should watch him with the nurses - 22nd October 2009
 * Forsyth has the BBC in a tangle'' - Let’s see the Corporation wriggle of of this sticky race row - 9th October 2009
 * party's over, but the boomers rock on'' - Today’s 60-year-olds have the have the lifestyle that 40-year-olds had a century ago - don't expect us to cheer just yet - 1st October 2009
 * brush with a psycholist'' - After a recent encounter in a London cab, I know what a Lycra lout is. But I’d still advise you to hug one if you see one - 24th September 2009
 * the martyred lamb of Romney Marsh did not die in vain'' - Marcus has done more to advance the cause of vegetarianism than I or any sulky student ever did handing out leaflets - 18th September 2009
 * is no longer being twentysomething'' - Having a pelvic floor that could crack a walnut didn’t solve your problems in your twenties, did it? - 10th September 2009
 * up, you lot, and stop blabbing all your private details'' - Every day we sleepwalk into volunteering information - 3rd September 2009
 * police me: clockwatching CID are useless'' - Uniformed officers, who are said to be avoiding plainclothes roles, should understand that some jobs just aren’t 9 to 5 - 13th August 2009
 * victims who don’t touch A-list hearts need support too'' - A council estate kid doesn’t carry the same kudos of Gary McKinnon v President Obama - 6th August 2009
 * Neale and Richard Cass - taking good fortune for granted'' - My husband confessed that he plea-bargained with God when Liverpol were trailing 3-0 in the Champions League final - 30th July 2009
 * tap into the inner thieves in us all'' - Is anything as tempting as an unattended hotel bar? - 16th July 2009
 * tummy tucks and miniskirts'' - The female midlife crisis used to be a hidden beast. Now, though, it has come roaring out of the closet - 11th July 2009
 * BBC at Glastonbury: a waste of money?'' - Forty-seven BBC executives are paid more than the Prime Minister is. Whatever for? All we want are decent programmes - 2nd July 2009
 * Factor and Britain's Got Talent whingers have themselves to blame'' - Some are so ravenous for a break they would scale an Everest of dung and sell their granny’s kidneys to get to No 1 - 25th June 2009
 * celebs like Cheryl Cole just bore me'' - I’m glad the new role models such as Lily Allen think self-starvation is a passe hang-up - 18th June 2009
 * this the most outrageous MP’s claim so far?'' - Gerald Kaufman reckons he needs a £220 pair of grapefruit bowls because he’s got OCD. Which he diagosed... himself. It makes a mockery of real sufferers' woes - 11th June 2009
 * the one about the male Pill? Seriously, it’s the dog’s neuticles'' - If the male Pill does take off, stealing women’s control, the population could plummet - 4th June 2009
 * praise of the childless: the workforce heroes'' - Non-breeders work every bank holiday - 21st May 2009
 * wed on a low-cost flight is plane silly'' - Couples can French kiss in the aisle while Wind Beneath My Wings is piped through the aircraft - 14th May 2009
 * Winslet’s titanic claims to be working class'' - Posh actors try too hard to be ‘geezers’ and apologise if they didn’t grow up eating a diet of lard - 7th May 2009
 * craven, faceless cowards. Yes, I'm talking about you!'' - Few beasts are more merciless than the great British public when snarling behind their anonymity - 30th April 2009
 * but alcohol won’t make you fat'' - Alcohol calories are not the same as food calories. If they were my backside would be the size of Kent - 23rd April 2009
 * porn may be smutty - but blaming wives is obscene'' - Womenfolk, it's your fault when he ogles Debbie Does Dallas - 2nd April 2009
 * up, Gazza, Jade's death shows how dull celebrity sob stories are'' - She would have loved to eat, but managed only a few sips of Coke. How's that for size zero? - 26th March 2009
 * tough to prove insidious racism - it's not a case of black and white'' - Umpteen studies have suggested that, underneath, we're all more prejudiced than we think - 19th March 2009
 * I'll spend, spend, spend if I win the lottery'' - What's the point of buying the ticket if you're going to keep the day job and drive the same old Ford Fiesta - 12th March 2009
 * off the BBC's disabled presenter'' - Chatroom comments from parents about Cerrie Burnell, the new CBeebies presenter, are just mindless wittering. Get a life - 25th February 2009
 * Goody: why resent the brutal reality show that her dying has become?'' - In her recent interviews she has displayed a wisdom never apparent in all those frivolous TV shows - 19th February 2009
 * Charles Darwin were alive today, he'd be Simon Cowell'' - The nearest we get to witnessing the survival of the fittest is in The X Factor - 12th February 2009
 * Americans aren't having ‘hope' sex - they've just been out on the lash'' - We Brits do tend to be sceptical of any story that involves Americans enjoying a conspicuous amount of leg-over - 5th February 2009
 * to castrate Ross just shows a lack of balls'' - If you remove Ross's daring then all you're left with is a treacly, old-fashioned plug show - 29th January 2009
 * Kate Moss cure recession?'' - The supermodel's 35th birthday celebrations may seem excessive, but how else are we going to get out of the recession? - 22nd January 2009
 * Obama - world leader and dog owner'' - Obama will have to get used to his dog humping his leg when he's talking to Sarkozy - 15th January 2009
 * Spanker Lane? These daft councils need a Nether Wallop'' - Sniggering at double entendre names is a long-held British tradition and, God knows, we could all do with a laugh - 8th January 2009



Articles: 2008

 * ads for Christmas? More heave-ho than ho-ho'' - Celebrities don't use supermarkets: they only ever eat in The Ivy - 18th December 2008
 * is no country for old women'' - With over-35s being excluded from pubs and presenters such as Selina Scott and Nicky Hambleton-Jones put out to early pasture, it's hard to feel good about ageing - 11th December 2008
 * is hell among the greedy and the grasping'' - Today's shoppers are yobs who would head-butt a granny for a faux-fur gilet - 4th December 2008
 * up, celebrities, we want rows, not raunch'' - I've always been suspicious of couples who rave about their sex lives - 27th November 2008
 * Sergeant the dancing pig saved the BBC's bacon'' - Judges were wrong to roast the golden goose of ratings and now he's gone viewers will flock to ITV's The X Factor in protest - 20th November 2008
 * gran, but being old is not a licence to be racist'' - Age is no excuse. Young people are a from “a different generation” yet we forgive them nothing - 13th November 2008
 * It's funny how much pranks reveal about us'' - 6th November 2008
 * flying off the handle about airport security'' - The new passenger X-rays aren't undignifying, they're rubbish - just lumpen shapes with no rude bits - 30th October 2008
 * slag off the cervical cancer vaccine'' - Religious leaders who argue that inoculating 12 and 13-year-olds against HPV will make them promiscuous are dead wrong - 16th October 2008
 * tucks into the poor and fat - TV’s staple diet'' - 9th October 2008
 * to look good naked: put a plum in your mouth'' - Trinny and Susannah can do what they like, but woe betide any Kerry Katona or Jade Goody who makes a public gaffe - 2nd October 2008
 * just read the damn column'' - Been there, done that, and now I can't be bothered - 25th September 2008
 * Know Your Limits!'' - A toast to hypocrisy as the puritannical Labour party suggests a British booze-up and Noel Edmonds refuses to pay the licence fee that made his career - 18th September 2008
 * Jeremy Kyle to get the spongers back to work'' - the new Secretary of State for Work and Pensions may shortly be unveiled as ... Jeremy Kyle! - 11th September 2008
 * entrance: why not give real talent a chance against privilege?'' - 21st August 2008
 * and fags make a good pension plan'' - the staff of a Cornwall care home that granted a 90-year-old woman her lifelong wish to be served fish and chips by a man wearing a thong have been forced to apologise - 14th August 2008
 * mags and women'' - Women are their own worst enemies - 7th August 2008
 * Jolie and the superfast generation'' - Nothing happens quickly enough for us anymore - wanting to accelerate every human experience is the sickness of the age - 31st July 2008
 * can't believe they've made me feel sorry for Opik'' - It's not that women should always stay quiet and never take revenge, it's just that sometimes it smacks less of female empowerment and... - 24th July 2008
 * the justice in a one-price-for-all-bras world?'' - It inverts economic logic not to charge big people more for their clothes - 17th July 2008
 * Robson: welcome to the bear pit of sporting hype'' - When we scrape a win against Andorra, you'd think it was 1966 again - 10th July 2008


 * archive