Giles Coren



Profile:
Full name: Giles Coren

Area of interest: Current affairs; Culture; Food criticism and restaurant reviews

Journals/Organisation: The Times

Email: [mailto:giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk]

Personal website:

Website: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/gilescoren | Restaurant reviews

Blog:

Representation:

Networks: http://twitter.com/#!/gilescoren



Biography:
About:

Education: Westminster School; Keble College, Oxford: English (1st)

Career: Scriptwriter for Punt and Dennis; columns for the Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday, Tatler, Match of the Day Magazine; wrote the satirical Intellectual's Guide to Fashion in The Sunday Times using the pseudonym Professor Gideon Garter; currently, restaurant critic for The Times Current position/role: Restaurant critic and columnist

Other roles/Main role:

Other interests:

Disclosures:

Viewpoints/Insight:

Controversy/Criticism: Ian Burrell: Giles Coren: The critic who turned salesman The Independent on Sunday, 19th February 2007

Broadcast media: Hosted Movie Lounge on Channel 5; co-presenter of Channel 4 series Animal Farm, 2007

Video:

Awards/Honours: British Press Awards: Food And Drink Writer of the Year, 2005

Scoops:

Other: Son of Alan Coren, brother of Victoria Coren



Books & Debate:

 * Winkler, 2005 ISBN 0224074997
 * Ghost-wrote Against the Odds, autobiography of James Dyson

Latest work: Chocolate and cuckoo clocks: the essential Alan Coren OCLC233788807 October 2008

Speaking/Appearances:

Debate: 

The Times:
Column name:

Remit/Info: Current affairs; Culture; Food criticism and restaurant reviews

Section: Life and style / food and drink

Role: Columnist; Food critic / restaurant reviewer

Pen-name:

Email: [mailto:giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk giles.coren@thetimes.co.uk]

Website: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/gilescoren | Restaurant reviews

Commissioning editor:

Day published: Saturday

Regularity: Weekly

Column format:

Average length:



Articles: 2016

 * Once Rhodes has fallen, your kitchen is next - You complacent bourgeois fool! Didn’t you realise how that room glorifies Kitchener, the poster boy for militarism? - 12th March
 * Lefty do-gooders threaten my rugby revenge - I didn’t spend years freezing on the sports field and being tackled by the big boys to let my son miss out on the fun - 5th March
 * Labour is the new hobby for the idle rich - Corbyn’s revolution is a Woosterish indulgence for Islington millionaires. They’ll join any protest, if they’re not in the Dordogne - 23rd January
 * Bowie grief-fest was totally Aladdin Sane - Celebrities wallowing in hyperbole should get real. The songs were great but he didn’t liberate gay people or change the world - 16th January
 * Enjoy it, George, life’s all downhill from here - Happy new year? You must be joking. It’s just tax bills, school fees and fading looks. And I can’t even drown my sorrows - 9th January
 * Rude parsnips will be all the rage this year - Flawless fruit and veg? Craft beers? Mismatched crockery? That’s sooo last year. Here are my foodie trends for 2016 - 2nd January



Articles: 2015

 * What am I bid for Diane Abbott’s laddered tights? - After Thatcher’s belongings sell for £4.5m, it won’t be long before Corbyn’s shell suit or Major’s pants are also up for grabs - 19th December
 * In 5,000BC, the property market was the pits - Here’s what happened when Mr and Mrs Hunter-Gatherer were shown around a primeval location near Stonehenge . . . - 31st October
 * Shadow chancellor in pizza U-turn shock - Now our spies have the right to eavesdrop on MPs, who knows what fascinating phone calls might be overheard . . - 17th October
 * Baaaa! It’s the snap-crackle-pop class warriors - Idiotic protests bring Man down to the level of beasts. And while the left are on the streets, the Tories are laughing - 3rd October
 * Death’s too good for the selfie narcissists - People around the world waste millions of hours every day trying to conjure a public moment from their dreary lives - 26th September



Articles: 2014

 * If you think this is a feminist, think again - OK, I’m getting my daughter a train set, but I’ve no time for the slack-moobed sycophants jumping on this bandwagon - 20th December
 * Twenty years on, I weep at my failed ambition - From scorned rookie reporter to restaurant critic: how Tony Blair’s elevation to Labour leader gave me my big break - 26th July
 * Let’s go the whole hog and #reshuffle Britain - Brucie’s gone, the Prince of Wales will surely follow. Let’s hear it for Claudia Winkleman, Koo Stark and good old Fergie - 19th July
 * If Google says I’m a jerk, then it must be true - You shouldn’t rewrite ehistory. And anyway there’s so much bad stuff about me out there, I don’t know where to start - 5th July
 * Hell is other people, friends are just a fantasy - Who needs to catch up, bond, hang out or hear about each other’s problems? I’m proud to be in a nation of loners - 21st June
 * Bring on the Googlebots to run everything - Why stop at driverless cars? Robots wouldn’t stone people. Or vote racists in. Or get involved in child abuse . . . - 31st May
 * Very, very contrary, that’s how my garden grows - Forget the trendy Chelsea Flower Show. Real horticulture is just the management of mass death and destruction - 24th May
 * They’re all vain, greedy show-offs and cheats - . . . and I doubt any of them pay their taxes. Pop stars may be parasites, but we don’t need the PM to get involved - 17th May
 * Close Everest. Close all the damn mountains - On one hand, you have 16 Sherpas killed; on the other, a bunch of macho idiots whose holidays have been ruined - 26th April
 * Googled by the Mob. Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now - On a filming trip to North America, I am branded a ‘bad journalist’ by the media – and rudely rebuffed by the mafia - 19th April
 * You don’t read – so you can’t write, right? - Why journalists skim the surface; a stylistic farewell to the Taleban and an Offa that builders couldn’t refuse - 12th April
 * Do what? One’s simply never, ever had to - So the Queen didn’t have to clear out her toy cupboard. And that’s not the only formative experience she missed out on - 5th April
 * Eng Lit for those who don’t have time to read it - A new app cuts out all that tiresome eye movement which slowed your reading. So now you can have instant classics - 15th March
 * All together now... Three Lions on the couch - England have roped in a top psychiatrist to help them win the World Cup. But will talking cure their penalty-taking? - 8th March
 * Exclusive! The real scandal of Harman’s past - In this special report, we reveal that Team Harriet was close to a much more dangerous group of old men in raincoats . . . - 3rd March
 * The economic outlook is decidedly Grimm - After the Goldilocks recovery, here are some more fairytales to consider (and I don’t mean investment advice) - 22nd February
 * One day she’s a genius, the next a lamebrain - Three-year-old Kitty’s life might be measured out not in coffee spoons, but in emails from a parental support group - 15th February
 * My new team really will be game-changers - Beckham doesn’t understand how to love football properly - and a brilliant plan to get girls interested in science - 8th February
 * Only Neanderthals smoke with kids in the car - It seems that cigarette addiction is down to our caveman DNA, so imagine a Stone Age run-in with the law . . . - 31st January
 * Perfect, it’s the M40. I could murder a pint - I set off determined to dislike Britain’s first motorway pub (as the RAC and health campaigners have). But no . . . - 25th January
 * Why we shouldn’t big up fat fashion - It’s a huge mistake to celebrate a range of plus-sized clothes. We might as well surrender to the fattiest - 18th January
 * No, it’s too late now to see 12 Years a Slave - At last, after all that nice, cuddly slavery, someone’s revealed the harsh truth. But we won’t be watching - 11th January



Articles: 2013

 * Follow my fashion guide or look like a dork - Everyone with a leading sense of the 2014 zeitgeist will embrace oblong shapes and frown a lot - 28th December 2013
 * That’s it. Enough tedious Christmas smalltalk - Oh, it’s so commercial. Oh, sprouts are revolting. Oh, those terrible e-cards. Oh, be quiet, all of you . . . - 21st December 2013
 * My 3+ exam will put our kids on top of the league - Ofsted wants to bring back testing for seven-year-olds. That’s far too late if we want to beat the Koreans - 14th December 2013
 * 30 things to do with a dead diplodocus . . . - If you’re going to pay a fortune, a dinosaur might as well be useful. Think of the lasagnes, for a start - 30th November 2013
 * New or old, money still can’t buy happiness - Whether you’re a lottery winner or miserable night-shift worker, riches don’t mend unhappy marriages - 23rd November 2013
 * How to get ahead in Christmas advertising - If you thought the John Lewis and Sainsbury promos were overblown, here are some you’ve been spared - 16th November 2013
 * Go to your Geekdom – and never come back - If Silicon Valley did become an independent state, it would be full of asocial nerds texting themselves - 9th November 2013
 * I’m sorry. I admit it. I’m just a downright Coe - . . . but I secretly wish I was an Ovett - 2nd November 2013
 * Asterix and the Dream of Lost Childhood - A new team has taken over my favourite boyhood books. Can the Gaul recapture his former glory? - 26th October 2013
 * A century on, the lamps are going out again - Young people are wasting their lives — lions led by high-tech donkeys. Or so my Kindle tells me - 19th October
 * My Royal Mail fortune gets lost in the post - These shares are free money, I thought. I’ll fill my boots. Yet somehow it didn’t quite work out like that - 12th October 2013
 * Farewell, boring days out. I shall miss you - Stonehenge, with its new visitor centre, is just one great British attraction that has become excellent - 5th October 2013
 * My daughter has more choices than my son - Men are judged by their career choices and wealth. Women are free to define themselves in other ways - 28th September 2013
 * What a week of rotten, simpering awfulness - Our catwalk catastrophe has exposed the world of fashion. Behind the emaciated face is a sick heart - 21st September 2013
 * Revealed: what women do and why they do it - All those mysterious actions have hidden meanings. Finally, we have the key: all it’s all about handbags - 14th September 2013
 * School ruined me and it will ruin my daughter - In the internet age there’s no point in knowing stuff any more. Education just stifles your creative spark - 7th September 2013
 * Ban all pubs, now. This is 2013, not 1320 - There’s only one reaction to 4,000 pubs under threat of closure: what about the rest of the ghastly places? - 31st August 2013
 * It’ll be driving, Jim. But not as we know it - If we can’t drive with Google glasses on, we must ban other technology that might find its way into our cars - 17th August 2013
 * Conversation dies. Smartphone to the rescue - It’s not necessarily rude to play with your phone instead of talking. It’s just a way of relieving the pressure - 17th August 2013
 * Ban all dogs now. Whether or not they bite - I want to walk the streets without stepping in muck - 10th August 2013
 * Logically speaking, we need more grey areas - In all arguments, from faith to politics, sexuality to morality, a little messed-up thinking takes us a long way - 3rd August 2013
 * Revealed: those Coren royal connections in full - The dress rehearsal for George’s delivery, the secret visit to the Harrods grotto and other interesting snippets - 27th July 2013
 * Don’t listen to the curmudgeons in cardigans - It’s not just mumbling actors they don’t like – but if you give in to them you’ll never hear the end of it - 20th July 2013
 * Faster, fatty Phoebe! And you, flabby Freddy - Exclusion zones around schools where parents can’t drop kids off so they have to walk (or run) ... sheer genius - 6th July 2013
 * Why not waste your money on Wimbledon? - Thirteen grand is steep for two tickets when Murray won’t be in the final. But there’s nothing else to spend it on - 22nd June 2013
 * Pick the oldies and make a game of the Ashes - If the Aussies can’t send over a decent team then what’s the point of them? Give me a mechanical waiter any day - 15th June 2013
 * Get out of the car, grandma. You’re nicked - Pay attention, you doddering old lane hoggers. Abide by my rules or I’ll dent your car — or even call the cops - 8th June 2013
 * Nobody would watch this Fifties rubbish now - The Coronation, 60 years ago, was when telly first caught on. But did the programmes look a bit familiar? - 1st June 2013
 * The parable of the Archdeacon and his nifties - A priest is handing out free £50 notes, if you can make them grow. Here are some wheezes to get you started - 25th May 2013
 * Nothing’s worse than the world’s best restaurant - Eat 50 rounds of hare kidneys in pig-cheese, surrounded by food bloggers and Japanese tourists? No thanks - 4th May 2013
 * Loadsa dosh – that’s why we love our tennis - By ramping up its prize money the All England Club can now attract assorted bankers, burglars and tax dodgers - 27th April 2013
 * We’ll fight in the streets. And in the car parks - Foreign drivers owe us half a million quid in unpaid fines. Frankly, it’s unpatriotic not to chase every penny - 20th April 2013
 * Sunny! Sunny! Sunny! Out! Out! Out! - Warm weather divided Britain. Southerners and Falklands islanders may miss it, but what about miners? - 13th April 2013
 * Being a father means nothing else matters - It has been a terrible week for fathering. But some of us wouldn’t dream of missing a single bathtime - 6th April 2013
 * This cyber-slowdown will win us a World Cup - If life returns to dial-up speed children will play in the street! Bookshops will reopen! Columnists will have job security! - 30th March 2013
 * Britain needs a nose for business: Kate’s nose - Americans love her schnozzle. We can fix the economy by selling the rights to it – and a few other royal body parts - 23rd March 2013
 * Everyone knows Marilyn Monroe shot JFK - The ‘Jewish conspiracy’ isn’t the only one Lord Ahmed’s worried about. What about those lizards on the Moon? - 16th March 2013
 * If you’re tweeting, ask Her Majesty to hold on - Now that takeaway food may be served at dinner parties, new rules for other occasions have just been agreed . . - 9th March 2013
 * Pippa does a great butternut squash lasagne - Try her recipes before you slag off her food column. She can boil an egg she’s hot and that’s all that matters - 2nd March 2013
 * We must face the ugly truth about our looks - The British are not an attractive race. But that’s an opportunity we must exploit More questions to judge us by - 23rd February 2013
 * Middle-class = bad and fat. Cue new insults - Now we’ve discovered that the bloaters aren’t poor after all, we can give full vent to our mutual self-loathing - 16th February 2013
 * French hold aces in nuclear stand-off - If you are wondering why Britain’s energy strategy is teetering on the brink, take a look at the financial figures from EDF on Thursday - 9th February 2013
 * Today I am make first column in Polski - Thanks fishing skiff of 1903, my family live in UK many years. But I am still speak your new second language - 2nd February 2013
 * Nappies, eating, ironing, writing. No probl . . . - People who think they’re great multi-taskers are deluded. Not this dad, critic, investor – whoops, what was that? - 26th January 2013
 * Thenk you so much for the framed faytograph - They say the Queen didn’t write her own thank-you letters for her Jubilee presents. But what do they know . . . - 19th January 2013
 * A 30ft dog toilet with a light on it? Genius - Where would we be without the football, the goldfish disposal or the prozzy booth? Great British inventions all - 12th january 2013
 * Zzzzzzz. Is that interminable film over yet? - I’ve done the research for you. Don’t bother with the latest crop of movies, which are useless and far too long - 5th January 2013



Articles: 2012

 * Peace on Earth, so long as you kept the receipt - Why is the Bible silent about Boxing Day? Did Mary go to the sales or was she mourning Matthew Crawley? - 29th December 2012
 * Bill? No. Julian? No. Zadok? Maybe. Wait . . . - Boys are so difficult. First, there’s the obvious, well, surgical dilemma. Second, all the names sound daft - 22nd December 2012
 * No room at the Dickens museum? Try this . . . - Of course you want to visit a great writer’s home on Christmas Day. Happily, more than one will open this year - 15th December 2012
 * My wife boomed. We’re bust. I blame Greece - Shall I borrow to buy a nursery or lay off the nanny to pay off the deficit? I don’t know, Mr Speaker, and nor do you - 8th December 2012
 * Want a good read? Let my celebs guide you - It’s time for the Books of the Year round-up. But can you guess who’s who from their Christmas reading? - 1st December 2012
 * At last, the monstrous regiment is halted - Women bishops? They can’t even flick their pants in the air. No, what the Church really needs is Abramovich - 23rd November 2012
 * Signs are that modern life is losing the plot - I mean, just look: roads aren’t for driving on, tragedy is selling Christmas and top spooks think they’re babe magnets - 17th November 2012
 * The three little words I never wanted to hear - To me ‘It’s a boy!’ augurs only a new kind of nappy changing, the circumcision dilemma and tedious chat about lager - 10th November 2012
 * Life would be safer if we were kept in the dark - Ban streetlights, send some kids to school from Sundays to Thursdays — that’s how to make Britain Great again - 3rd November 2012
 * Weddings: a device to measure our vulgarity - The hotel that turned away a couple for being the wrong type of person made a mistake – we’re all that type - 27th October 2012
 * The iPod family is unhappy in its own way . . . - ... as Tolstoy almost said. Apple pretends it’s selling ‘happy ever after’ when it’s really flogging stupid gadgets - 20th October 2012
 * Dave, Nick and Ed would rather be in bed - I’m just like the three main party leaders, and take it from me: they’re all as bored by their conferences as I am - 13th October 2012
 * Flashdance 2. Or is it One Million Years BC? - The body of a Bronze Age woman metalworker has been found. I bet she went down well with the lads at work - 6th October 2012
 * The Council House at Pooh Corner . .  - . . . and Other Children’s Classics reimagined in the lefty style of J. K. Rowling now she’s gone all grown-up - 29th September 2012
 * Old age starts at 55? I wanted to be old at 17 - Being young is rubbish. Now I’m 43 I can at last go on cruises, grow roses and fall asleep with a blanket over my knees - 22nd September 2012
 * Sleazy, hairy and scary: the new world beaters - Everest is the still the highest mountain, but here are some new records for the people at Guinness to consider - 15th September
 * Dear Henry I, how dare you diss our lampreys? - Following the Mars Bars boys, other makers of so-called unhealthy food should stand up for what is right - 8th September 2012
 * Soak the rich. Start with the mustard cords - Nick Clegg’s useless tax wheeze will never work. You have to use stealth – and that means using your imagination - 1st September 2012
 * The London Olympics: ‘All the rules of life were suspended, and magic ruled the Earth’ - A modern Shakespearean drama. Set in Stratford East - 25th August 2012
 * A drunk and a roisterer, fine. But a diarist? - The worst thing about Richard Burton’s journals is not the lachrymose gush. It’s that he wrote them at all - 18th August 2012
 * Classics are dull. Please sir, I want more sex - Bondage in Brontë isn’t enough. I’ve spiced up ten other works in a literary quiz – punish yourself if you get them right - 21st July 2012
 * Why the sunshine would rain on my parade - I’m holidaying in England and, no, I don’t hope it will clear up. Why do I love wet weather? Let me count the ways - 7th July 2012
 * Music isn’t the food of life, so don’t play on - We don’t need 2,012 songs to rock the Olympics or an endless soundtrack to our lives. Let’s just turn it off - 30th June 2012
 * This year e-books are really making a splash - You’ll love all that extra space in your luggage – and only a complete twerp’s Kindle gets thrown in the pool - 23rd June 2012
 * God save the Eurolympics (come on, Tim) - Buy a flag from the approved supplier and leave your brain at home this summer / E-mail will never catch on - 9th June 2012
 * I’d never be rude to a fatty. Honest, not rude - Comments about ‘body image’ may soon be on par with racism. But it looks like we’re run by a lardocracy anyway - 2nd June 2012



Articles: 2011

 * Let them watch TV. Keeps ’em off the street - Stop your baby turning into Charlie Gilmour - 8th October 2011
 * TV sensation: Asterix to go on Frater Magnus - Fans are desperately hoping there’ll be an inspired revival of the cartoon hero. And if they need some plotlines . . . - 1st October 2011
 * The joke is dead. Good – I hate funny people - Farewell Frankie Boyle, we won’t miss you - 24th September 2011
 * Making stuff up is too much like hard work - A journalist invented his interviews? Why bother? - 17th September 2011
 * Clichés are melting faster than snowballs in hell - Why the language will soon be poorer than a church mouse - 10th September 2011
 * I’ve forgiven Julian Barnes. Give him a Booker - A watered-down dedication put me off him, but with the ultimate prize long overdue, I get the sense of an ending - 3rd September 2011
 * to throw in the dictionary’s dustbin (n)'' - If the dictionary-makers have written off charabanc and aerodrome, why do we need fish or shopping*? - 27th August 2011
 * good parent plan – be more middle-class'' - The only people who must be told how to raise their children are those who ignore official advice anyway - 6th August 2011
 * just a running race. Watch it on the telly'' - Seb’s real mistake was depriving us of a chance to queue for Olympic tickets For cricket you have to be there - 30th July 2011
 * not the seats that hurt: the play’s the thing'' - Ever wondered why you fidget more in the theatre than the cinema? And does Delia really miss the crispy pancake? - 16th July 2011
 * open the Tizer. We’re all spectators now'' - The paedo-neurosis has moved beyond overprotective schools to threaten one of our island’s oldest traditions - 9th July 2011
 * was George Smiley. It was flipping amazing'' - It’s Dutch. It’s cool. Could my new sideways flipback book threaten the old-tech world of iPads and Kindles? - 2nd July 2011
 * fungi? No good hiding under the pillow'' - Magnify anything a thousand times and it will look terrifying. Imagine me — I’d look like Eamonn Holmes - 25th June 2011
 * yer bikes, you whining first-time buyers'' - Find a £1,500 down-payment and an interest-only mortgage, and (London apart) the country’s your oyster - 11th June 2011
 * don’t care if Sepp takes his ball home'' - Football is a game for children. There are more important things for grown-up Brits to care about – like cricket - 4th June 2011
 * the Camden One! (But don’t say I asked)'' - A megacelebrity TV star is threatened with prison for loose talk on Twitter. Who on earth could that be? - 28th May 2011
 * feline menace, robin! I’ll rescue you'' - The threat didn’t come from giant man-eating slugs after all, but from a more familiar garden enemy - 21st May 2011
 * a pig of a job to find out what’s in my ham'' - Are ‘Wiltshire cured’ and ‘freedom food’ just weasel words? Plus, my cred is blown, I’m on the GCSE syllabus - 14th May 2011
 * weekend starts here? What’s gone wrong?'' - A five-day working week is so confusing ... Why the honeymoon was really delayed ... How bin Laden made my career - 7th May 2011
 * bunnies splashing around: that’s not sport'' - We invented cricket and football, so why the sudden enthusiasm for glorified commuting and all the other Olympic tosh? - 30th April 2011
 * Da Nazraff Boyz did on that Saturday'' - We know what Good Friday and Easter Sunday are about. But what are we supposed to be doing today? - 23rd April 2011
 * Labours, or Where Would You Like It, Guv'' - They’re going to dig up Shakespeare’s house. Do they really think that will shed any light on his plays? - 16th April 2011
 * budding models, flat is a feminist issue'' - After 500 years of progress, women’s heads are finally as big as men’s. Now we’re asking them to shrink their breasts - 9th April 2011
 * spies? Make them do history of art'' - If universities are crawling with students stealing secrets, put them on a course where they’ll learn nothing useful - 2nd April 2011
 * out, turn off and read a proper book'' - Let the BBC close down late-night telly. It was only ever for drunken students, and they’re all in the pub now - 26th March 2011
 * the royals we’re a crowd of nincompoops'' - I’ve driven through London for my Wills’n’Kate wedding and seen first-hand how the British public react - 12th March 2011
 * must have made this i-shaver. It’s i-deal'' - Putting an “i” before everything is supposed to make it sound sophisticated. That’s mostly nonsense, except . . - 5th March 2011
 * made of the same stuff that makes Ed run'' - That ‘triumph of posh’ stuff was all wishful thinking. It’s time for me to embrace my inner Labour wonk - 26th February 2011
 * sale: one dead Nazi. £2,000. Still warm'' - It’s not as good as the early Hitler I was after, but next to the framed comic and the QPR strip it’ll look lovely - 19th February 2011
 * 40-a-day father could have written here'' - Why should we care about the health of tobacco companies when we know what destruction they bring? - 29th January 2011
 * writers take leave? We don’t do any work'' - The Cleggeroonies have given us this Slack Dad’s Charter, so I’m going to take it. Whether I deserve it or not - 22nd January 2011
 * I loathe that long-haired whingeing oik'' - So middle-class student protesters think that working people like policemen should pay for their courses? - 15th January 2011
 * stovepipe hat you’ve got there, bruv'' - Period dramas make every effort to look perfect. So why can’t the wretched scriptwriters get the language right? - 8th January 2011
 * out, and no punching below stairs'' - In the blue corner, the evil gay footman. In the red, the Nazi chauffeur. But you can throw Thomas Hardy to the crocs - 1st January 2011



Articles: 2010

 * as Person of the Year? Dislike'' - Down with social networks. Well, up with some of them. Remind my cricket-battered brain which way that is? - 18th December 2010
 * Kevin. You dope. 75mph in a loser’s car?'' - It’s bad enough for England’s top batsman to look such a twit. But in a stunt set up by one of the enemy . . . - 11th December 2010
 * a giveaway: the book is on its final page'' - Calling this act of desperation World Book Night is like calling a plan to dump little dogs World Puppy Night - 4th December 2010


 * dwarf joke turns out to be a tall story'' - You heard it here first: the Speaker did not have a car crash. It was just a classic attack on average-sized chaps - 27th November 2010
 * the crowning glory of the Triumph of Posh'' - Ruddy-cheeked, honest and a bit thick: that’s how we want the world to see us and that’s why we love Wills and Kate - 20th November 2010
 * Good News according to St Tesco’s'' - A supermarket opens in a former church. It’s perfect for modern times but we may have to tweak the Gospel . . . - 13th November 2010
 * fine on Asterix. After that, who knows?'' - It’s the big one – appearing on Mastermind. My knowledge-free mind is going to be seriously tested . . . - 6th November 2010
 * rather cry over a dead man than a dead stag'' - Making creatures like the Emperor of Exmoor and Paul the octopus into celebrities is childish sentimentality - 30th October 2010
 * carping and let the posh boys sort it out'' - At last, the hated Tories are in power and the placard-wavers out on the streets. It’s back to politics as usual - 23rd October 2010
 * real reason the Buck House bash is off'' - Could it be that, like many of us, Her Majesty couldn’t stand the prospect of an office Christmas party? - 16th October 2010
 * damn fool, Charlie. Smoking isn’t cool'' - Wheezing and coughing in his cage, nicotine patches hanging off his fur . . . yes, only an ape would take up fags - 9th October 2010
 * fatties want a good read, try a big fat novel'' - For something glossy, shallow and venal, try this magazine. But really, if you’re too big, try a jumper – and Tolstoy - 2nd October 2010
 * a little light was thrown on the Dark Ages'' - Anglo-Saxon England’s first working window has just been found. How did that go down with the neighbours? - 25th September 2010
 * to lose friends in Third World Britain'' - So it turns out that I did spend my gap year in a developing country. Shame there’s no one I can celebrate with - 18th September 2010
 * high time a Jewish man won the Booker'' - Where is our Saul Bellow, our Philip Roth? The goyim have dominated English literature for too long - 11th September 2010
 * of misery to come. It makes me so happy'' - What have I got to be so damn gloomy about? I just feel I should have had so much more fun in my life - 4th September 2010
 * loves Jane Eyre? Reader, I understand it'' - Beijing sees itself in Brontë’s orphan — but, alas, the Chinese Simon Cowell will be along in 200 years - 28th August 2010
 * it’s little turnip-sized Kermit Coren'' - When your pregnant wife doesn’t give a hoot about how her bulge is getting on, a chap has to step up - 21st August 2010
 * Cam confounds the robot of doom'' - The PM knows our foreign policy counts for diddly squat. So he’s using it to rile Labour - 31st July 2010
 * don’t care if he started it. You’re both mad'' - Sibling rivalry is for medieval kings and petty poseurs - 24th July 2010
 * a funny old game'' - Once, they were happy enough with 30 grand and long holidays. Then along came Mark Elms and it all changed - 17th July 2010
 * water butt is a right old barrel of laughs'' - It’s empty when I need it and full when I don’t - 10th July 2010
 * quiet about my BBC pay, Sir Michael'' - Never mind Graham Norton and Fiona Bruce. I can’t have everyone knowing I toil for Auntie for thruppence an hour - 3rd July 2010
 * course men crash more. We do the driving'' - Can women do London to Oxford in 47 minutes? - 26th June 2010
 * term at St Jamie’s and it’s all pukka, mate'' - What better way to run a school than just to throw a few pupils and teachers together and stir well? - 19th June 2010
 * to 60 seconds for a mere 250 grand'' - The Ferrari ‘timepiece’ is obscene. Are our minutes simply not good enough for the super-rich? - 12th June 2010
 * shorts at cricket? Why not naked girls?'' - It’s pathetic that Twenty20 is so timid in drawing the crowds. Let’s have poles on the square and a four for a hit - 5th June 2010
 * had my Spider-Man moment. And I failed'' - When a road accident happened right in front of me, I needed superhero powers to prevent it . . . - 29th May 2010
 * round-the-world voyage is just plain sailing'' - Who cares about 16-year-olds sitting in a boat? I’ll only be impressed when toddlers are canoeing the Amazon - 22nd May 2010
 * . . . of course they’re relaxed!'' - From the moment they waved their mummies goodbye, this was the minimum expected of Clegg and Cameron - 15th May 2010
 * out the stopper! Let’s have a whopper!'' - You’ll have to excuse me. Now I’ve got this column done I’ve got to get to the church on time - 24th April 2010
 * MasterChef thing — it’ll never catch on'' - They tried me out as one of the expert foodies. But I just didn’t cut the mustard - 10th April 2010
 * for someone you can trust. Yourself'' - Fed up with traditional politics, two of my friends are standing as independents. I suggest we all do the same - 3rd April 2010
 * be sexist, girls. Men’s books are grim, too'' - Creative writing courses only teach you to copy Ian McEwan. No wonder today’s novels are so depressing - 20th March 2010
 * exorcisms a day. Yes, it’s a devil of a job'' - Are you suffering from diabolical possession? Do you need liberating from evil? The Vatican can help - 13th March 2010
 * Jakey Z. I want to go Zulu, too'' - One to drive, one to drink, one to clean, one to . . . Having lots of wives isn’t funny or primitive. It’s brilliant - 6th March 2010
 * horse has bolted. Makes you want to spit'' - My book on anger isn’t out yet. And when it is, it’ll be too late. Mr Bully will be gone – replaced by Mr Nicey Nicey - 27th February 2010
 * Valentine cards learns kidz ’ow to rite'' - It’s a tradition that goes back to the Middle Ages – which was a time when people started their love lives very young - 13th February 2010
 * Enlightenment was a capital idea, Sir'' - Admittedly, we can do without the worst effects of the scientific revolution, like the Toyota Yaris, but really - 6th February 2010
 * will snap up Tesco schooldays'' - If the retail giant wants to cash in on the unhappiest time of our lives, there’s more to sell than uniforms - 16th January 2010
 * I hear another global warming joke, I’ll...'' - ...go completely insane. Climate change doesn’t mean we’ll have lots of lovely weather all the time, you numbskulls - 9th January 2010
 * excuse this column. My brain has died'' - That post-Christmas week is when the only thoughts that register are about brie or TV adverts or bargain bags of coal - 2nd January 2010
 * shalt not... well, actually...'' - Now a vicar has said stealing can be OK, the other Commandments need freshening up. So here goes - 26th December 2009



Articles: 2009

 * driven snow isn’t as pure as you think'' - When North London is like the North Pole, covered with a crisp blanket of white, I can’t help but think of what lies beneath - 19th December 2009
 * round-ups. Turkeys tarted up. I feel sick'' - Who cares about celebrity reads of the year? Sea bass for Christmas lunch, eh? And don’t get me going on scarves . . . - 12th December 2009
 * MP does not stand for Mostly Plastered'' - What was Sally Bercow, the Speaker’s wife, thinking when she volunteered details of a past life full of sex and alcohol? - 5th December 2009
 * my red-eye pod, with menu and movies'' - Flying near the front is perfect 21st-century living ... saintly staff, decent food, good wine. Shame about the passengers - 28th November 2009
 * Moss: an icon of willpower and strength'' - Don’t damn the supermodel for being honest. If you want to be thin, you have to eat less. And thin is much better than fat - 21st November 2009
 * steal Kenyan beans! Too many food miles'' - The rise of the middle-class shoplifter raises some difficult dilemmas. Will it lead on to muggings at fishknife point? - 14th November 2009
 * witty for words. I should quit on a high'' - Thank heavens for the rich guy who splashed out billions on a rail company. See you in the Buffett carriage - 7th November 2009
 * no hope. And, frankly, all is not well'' - Every e-mail starts with a banal inquiry about how things are in my world. Don’t ask, unless you really want to know . . . - 31st October 2009
 * humungous sadness of Britain’s fattest man'' - Like a child in his pyjamas, with toy Daleks and fizzy pop nearby, Paul Mason welcomed the TV cameras for a fee of £200 - 24th October 2009
 * use is a brain the size of a planet?'' - Stop swotting and turn on the television. The prizes go to the good-looking guy who everyone likes - 17th October 2009
 * barcode is nothing to celebrate'' - It killed off the traditional shop and gave us the checkout girl. And what’s with a 57th anniversary anyway? - 10th October 2009
 * if you want to. I’ve turned already'' - Politics is soooo boring. What matters is that I’ve changed my mind about organic food, dogs, fat people and football - 3rd October 2009
 * is for sex. But I failed miserably'' - Higher education is full of angry academics who want to make up for long hours spent working instead of making hay - 26th September 2009
 * one’s going to call me Lunchtime O’Booze'' - Poor old Keith Floyd. I don’t want to die at 65, befuddled and unfulfilled, like so many men with a supposed ‘zest for life’ - 19th September 2009
 * never forget what Sophie whispered'' - You get yourself on to a TV game show – and then the awful things you’ve written come flooding back - 12th September 2009
 * joys of cricket turned to ashes this year'' - After a dismal ‘yoof’-obsessed summer with no heroes and no one really watching, I think I’ll follow tennis next year - 29th August 2009
 * dead? Better monetise me now'' - I’m packing up my adjectives for a new life online, where I’ll be honing my tweeting, podshouting and blogorrhoea - 22nd August 2009
 * on my dancing shoes? Fat chance of that'' - Obesity revolts me, but not as much as surrendering my identity to a jiggling mob. I won’t kowtow to the communism of dance - 15th August 2009
 * car is not a runaway success'' - How a silly piece of design and some crass reading choices are putting a dent in my holiday enjoyment - 8th August 2009
 * poor little mutt. But was it rude to stare?'' - I wouldn’t dream of gawping at a disabled person in the street. A mere dog, though, is just a thing bred for lonely people - 1st August 2009
 * portfolio: off-the-shelf bargains'' - After Virginia Woolf’s beach and Beatrix Potter’s river, I can exclusively offer more literary landmarks - 18th July 2009
 * lo, Dave Moses had a burning bush crisis'' - The Opposition leader may be related to the Israelite leader. He could lead us to the land of organic milk and honey - 11th July 2009
 * sentimental bull about bullfighting'' - Does Ricky Gervais not realise that the animals speared in a ring have a far better life than those bred for hamburgers? - 4th July 2009
 * I wanted was a parcel. I got an earful'' - With Royal Mail out on strike there are no postmen around — but after my experience maybe that’s not a bad thing - 20th June 2009
 * - the F-word that explains Ramsay'' - The celebrity chef's life seems to be in meltdown. But TV viewers don't see his fragile side - 13th June 2009
 * the British, tattoed and half-naked'' - The sweaty slap slap of flip-flops, men's hairy toes, ghastly bondage sandals: when it comes to summer we are a disgrace - 6th June 2009
 * us go then, and feign our love of verse'' - Come on, admit it, you can only half-remember a couple of sonnets. The truth is we don't give a stuff about poetry - 30th May 2009
 * the Ashes. This is how to play cricket'' - It's been a traumatic time for our summer sport. But a convivial reunion reminded me what the game is really about - 23rd May 2009
 * his kangaroo down. He's off to the beach'' - It's mind-blowing that landing a job as a caretaker in Australia should be considered the summit of Man's expectations - 9th May 2009
 * I had a double, so many things I could quit'' - I'm with Beyoncé, Hitler and Kim Jong Il. It's the greatest perk in the world to use a lookalike to avoid an art gallery - 2nd May 2009
 * was always a Labour man - until now'' - The Tories are wooing me. I rode in a car with one last week and my inner Gollum thinks it could all be rather rewarding - 25th April 2009
 * aged 2,078? A bit past her prime'' - From Noah's Ark to Camelot, our insatiable desire to get to the ‘truth' through archaeological digs diminishes us as humans - 18th April 2009
 * Godfather Squirrel and a severed tulip head'' - The nightly riot of destruction by rodents has left me too tense to enjoy my garden. I may have to go and live on Mars - 11th April 2009
 * a pig a favour! Ban vegetarianism now!'' - People who don't eat meat are not just pale, boring, vain and flaky. They are also suffering from an eating disorder - 4th April 2009
 * with paddles and Pimm's'' - It is impossible to take the Boat Race seriously: for a start, rowing is not even a sport - 28th March 2009
 * do I hate skiing? Let me count the ways'' - The danger, the boots, the chairlifts, the people, the food, the clothes... and, most terribly at this time, the deaths - 21st March 2009
 * tax? No, we need a blubber tax'' - Overweight people cost the health service a colossal amount. We should hit them in the wallet - 14th March 2009
 * I'm starting to feel a bit deflated'' - Let me get this right. If my house value keeps going down, soon I'll need a wheelbarrow of money to pay someone to buy it? - 28th February 2009
 * whining. Ban all stinking dogs. Now'' - Man's best friends are no such thing. They are brutal, dirty and a primitive throwback to the days of bearbaiting - 14th February 2009
 * won't get that high-flying job'' - The unemployed graduates of 2009 should be grateful that they won't be lured by fat pay packets - 7th February 2009
 * mean you won't go on the swarm?'' - Scientists have found that locusts don't always want to live in groups. But then what insect-about-town does? - 31st January 2009
 * a dream team fit for a Russian oligarch'' - If Alexander Lebedev is to be the Roman Abramovich of newspapers, these are some people he should employ... - 24th January 2009
 * perfect meal for the world's fattest nation'' - I would far rather have had a Bush cook-out of barbecued pork chops and Bud than the huge, sweet and sickly inaugural lunch - 21st January 2009
 * stand by for the flying parking ticket...'' - ...and the flying speed hump and the flying bus lane. Because the bureaucrats will make sure this idea doesn't fly - 17th January 2009
 * guide to Britain on two dollars a week'' - Our country may be cold, rude and dirty, but at least it's cheap - so here are some pointers for tourists ready to risk it - 10th January 2009
 * name's Giles and I want to be a TV addict'' - For 20 years I had this crazy notion that books were far more worthy than telly. Now, at last, I have seen the light - 3rd January 2009



Articles: 2008

 * points for spotting a princess in the street'' - ...but only if you know her. Otherwise five points. The Spot-the-Celeb scoring system will distract anyone from shopping - 27th December 2008
 * writing on sex always has its knockers'' - What a joyless, hung-up, small-minded nation we must be to reduce a genius like John Updike to ‘the laureate of lewd' - 20th December 2008
 * it's geography that's going to be history'' - And summer-born children like me will no longer miss out on those vital months learning about Anglo-Saxon shore forts - 13th December 2008
 * Potter and the spinner of Azkaban'' - With J.K.Rowling and Wisden united under one roof, now is the time for a little wizardry - 6th December 2008
 * the woeful wonder of Woolies'' - Only one high street store could have provided a cheap counterblast to the excesses of the boom - 29th November 2008
 * need high culture when the index is low'' - Forget Siberian flosspots. When we’re living on boiled squirrel we should turn to Tolstoy, not trash - 22nd November 2008
 * didn't need a certificate, Korders, old bean'' - The Iranian Interior Minister is an utter fraud. No true Oxford man bothers with all that mortar-board nonsense - 8th November 2008
 * Singh drops a prize literary clanger'' - Outrage at the Booker award ceremony, the answer to an Oxbridge poser and a question of nature or nurture - 18th October 2008
 * those ‘sent items' e-mails in full'' - Google is trying to stop people sending late-night e-mails that they might later regret. As if I would ever need that... - 11th October 2008
 * from the obesity crisis ground zero'' - Your fearless correspondent embedded in Rotherham disguises himself as a banana to meet our Minister of Food - 4th October 2008
 * Kelly at 3am: I know what happened'' - The truth of that resignation can now be revealed. It helps if you went to school and university with the protagonist - 27th September 2008
 * sir, which day did He create dinosaurs on?'' - When it comes to the creation, there are some ticklish problems about the detail of which beast arrived when - 20th September 2008
 * Mackerel! It's Restaurant Critic Man!'' - If the Japanese have a cartoon wine critic, the world could do with a superhero to save us all from bad, overpriced food - 13th September 2008
 * this tennis? The court was blue! And the clothes...'' - The horrors of the US Open must be kept away from Wimbledon - 10th September 2008
 * German hurricane? No wonder they all fled'' - At last, a force of nature that lives up to its name - and a motorbike that need not be a force for evil - 6th September 2008
 * grunts for Neanderthal geniuses'' - So Homo neanderthalensis was not as thick as we thought. We'd better have an apology from the PM - 30th August 2008
 * the lawns are manicured in Polly Toynbee land'' - Only stupid people would imagine that the rich are intrinsically interesting and intelligent - 9th August 2008
 * winner's version of history. That's original'' - Sir Ridley Scott wants us to see Robin Hood through the sheriff's eyes. But you can't have revisionist fiction - 2nd August 2008

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